


give me love

by sunflowerwitches



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Homosexuality, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, No cheating, Phil has a girlfriend, i hate that i wrote this before phil came out bc i wouldnt have wrote him with a gf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-05-20 19:21:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 24,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19383148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowerwitches/pseuds/sunflowerwitches
Summary: Dan and Phil are friends. Phil has a girlfriend. Dan has a crush on Phil.





	1. give me love like her

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanna say that I mean absolutely no disrespect to Dan or Phil when writing this fic! I know they want us to respect their privacy when it comes to Phan but they also said they don’t mind fics and art continuing, but if at any moment do either of them say they’re uncomfy with it, I’ll stop writing this fic! I don’t wanna seem like I’m forcing ANYTHING because I’m not, I’m just a stannie. I don’t wanna overstep in any way!

It was just another day in the Dan and Phil household. Dan spending all afternoon cooped up in his bedroom, spending far too much time on Tumblr endlessly scrolling. Basically hiding at this point because Phil’s girlfriend is over again, sat in the lounge watching an anime episode that Dan should have been watching with him. He’s not at all jealous about that.

It wasn’t that Dan hated Phil’s girlfriend. She was a nice person. She had pretty long ginger hair that had a slight wave to it. She had light blue eyes that twinkled in the right light. She was probably one of the prettiest girls that Dan had ever laid eyes upon but that didn’t matter.  
He was annoyed that she had the one thing he wanted the most, Phil.

As Dan could hear laughter and casual conversation above his bedroom, he sighed. He wanted to go upstairs to the lounge to watch the finale of the anime they were watching but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine sitting for twenty minutes whilst Phil and his girlfriend cuddled up on the sofa and he just had to watch. So he just sat in his room until it was safe to come out.

Dan was just sat minding his own business when suddenly, there was a loud frantic knock at the door. Before Dan had an opportunity to respond, the door opens and in comes Phil. Phil has a shy grin on his face which soon faded as he began to speak.

“Dan, do you want me to wait for you so we can watch the finale? I was just catching Rebecca up on the show.” Phil asked, still slightly smiling. “She was really far behind but she’s caught up now so I thought we could watch it together with a dominos?”

Dan didn’t look away from his laptop for a second. He didn’t know what to say. On the one side, he wanted to watch the finale and more importantly, spend time with Phil, but on the other side, he would much rather watch it without Rebecca there and the thought of potentially doing that was enough to make him hide into his duvet for at least a decade.

But what Dan said was, “Sure.” And he closed his laptop without a seconds thought and followed Phil down the stairs where they were both met with the petite figure sat on the sofa. Dan felt brief humour in the fact that she looked so incredibly lost being on her own. He wasn’t trying to be cruel but it made him feel happy that she was struggling, especially after _she stole his man_.

“Hiya, Dan!!” Rebecca exclaimed, almost excited for his presence. Dan had to take every effort he had to not audibly sigh after she spoke, but it wasn’t her fault. She was innocent in all of this but Dan couldn’t help but find her existence annoying.

“Hiya Becs” Dan said as he put on a façade.

“Let’s get this finale on the road!” Rebecca sang, almost in a cringy way but both Dan and Phil didn’t vocalise the cringe, only looked at each other for a split second and moved on.

 

~~~~~

 

Half of the episode has passed and Dan was starting to think he could _do_ this and that maybe spending time with Phil and his girlfriend wasn’t too bad. This was when Dan glanced over at the other sofa to witness something that made his thoughts change completely.

Phil was cuddled up ridiculously close to Rebecca. Both of their legs are incredibly intertwined and it was almost like they became one single person instead of two. And whilst Dan wishes that Phil was just one single person, that wasn’t the case and watching this happen, was too much for him.

Watching Phil and his girlfriend do things that he so desperately wanted to do with Phil was too much. Watching Rebecca’s hand linger on Phil’s thigh is enough to make Dan realise he had had enough. Luckily the episode credits started rolling at just right the time and Dan found this the right opportunity to leave.

Dan diverted his gaze for a split second and looked back at Phil, who at this point was genuinely being eaten by his girlfriend. He knew he should have taken this opportunity to leave and vacate into his bedroom but he just couldn't. He was watching Phil’s wandering hands, hands he wished were wandering all over his own body. He was watching Phil’s lips massage Rebecca’s, desperately wishing he was on the receiving end of the kiss. He couldn’t look away because he was fucking jealous and it was like watching a car crash.

Dan snapped back into reality and said, “On that note, I’m tired! I’m gonna go to bed!”

Dan begins to get up to leave when he glanced over at Phil and saw no stir. And that hurt.

“Good night lads!” Dan continues, not expecting a response. He didn’t get one.

Dan left the lounge quickly but not before taking one quick glance at Phil. He always did this if Phil stayed in the lounge and Dan went to his room, but this time it felt different. He wasn’t just watching Phil. He was watching all of his chances to have the love of his life for himself disappear.

And Dan did not like it, so he averted his gaze once again to the floor and went to his room to hide, once again.

 

~~~~~

 

Back in Dan’s room, Dan is alone. Obviously. Why would he have anyone with him when the only person he wants with him is snogging the face off in the lounge.

Dan tried to distract himself with an array of endless Tumblr and Reddit scrolling. He saw a ton of cute animal pics and shit posts from viewers that he actually found rather funny. He was ignoring the fact that he could hear Phil and his girlfriend in Phil’s room at this point and began to put his headphones on to listen to his sad song playlist when he heard a loud ‘ding’ coming from his phone.

He got a text message. As he opened his phone, he realised it was not from the only person who texts him, Phil, it was from another friend of theirs.

 

**Text message from Louise:**

_Hiya love! Just wondered how you and Phil were doing and if you wanted to visit in a few days for a lil catch up/party?! Let me know babe x_

 

Dan stared at this message for a good while. He wanted to go but if Phil came too, he would take Rebecca and he could not deal with that.

On the other hand, the likelihood of Phil actually going in slim. He hadn’t really gone out anywhere with friends since getting into a relationship – not that they go out much _anyway_ , but it had drastically declined.

He gave it a long think and realised that there was no harm in going. Louise would have invited a lot of people so if Phil did bring his girlfriend, Dan had the opportunity to escape the two at any point to hang out with other people.

 

**Reply to Louise:**

_Lou! Sure I’m down! I’m sure Phil is too, I’ll ask him in the morning because he is with his gf right now. I’m excited for the bants x_

 

So he’s going to the party. It’s fine. As he said, if Rebecca does end up going, he reckons he can just hide with Louise and her boyfriend. That’s a better situation, right? Surely?

Louise and Dan exchanged a few more casual texts as the night drew to an end. Dan enjoyed speaking to Louise greatly. They both share their awkwardness and have the same sense of humour so she was really just the female Dan, which he liked. She was also a little like Phil, a mothering friend, which of course comforted him greatly too.

By the time the conversation ended, Dan had grown tired and the echoing sounds from Phil’s bedroom had disappeared. It was around 3 am and whilst Phil would probably have stayed awake, he knew Rebecca hated late nights so they were definitely asleep.

Dan took out his earphones and got into bed. As soon as he was alone in silence with his thoughts, his mind began to wander. Thinking about what Phil was doing right now. Whether Phil was awake thinking about Dan too. Good god of course not. Why would Phil be thinking about Dan? That makes no sense.

Phil was probably thinking completely rated thoughts about his girlfriend. Thinking about how he was in love with Rebecca and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, finding a way to get rid of Dan first. Dan very obviously can’t live with Phil forever and it’s clear at some point, Phil would want to move in with Rebecca.

And that hurt.

Eventually, Dan drifted off to sleep and escaped his anxiety-riddled thoughts for a few hours. And rightfully so.


	2. lately i've been waking up alone

It was the morning of Louise’s party and Dan was almost ready, packing an overnight bag for himself. He was going to be spending the night at Louise’s as they had planned because Louise wanted to spend the next morning with him too. Louise could tell just from the short exchange of texts that something wasn’t right with Dan and she wanted to get that out of him over a cuppa and some breakfast the next morning, she knew she would get absolutely nothing over wine and loud music.

“Philllll, are you almost ready? The Uber has just been dispatched,” Dan shouts as he zips his bag and carries it to the front door, so he doesn’t accidentally forget it.

There was silence from Phil. Dan hadn’t spoken to him for the entire morning and just assumed he was up and getting ready to leave. Knowing Phil, he was fast asleep or completely forgot that they were leaving for Louise’s in ten minutes and was just playing random iPhone games.

Dan walks into Phil’s room to see him sound asleep on his bed. Rebecca wasn’t there which startled Dan for a second but then he remembered she was meeting us at Louise’s due to work. She was a police officer with really difficult work hours that she couldn’t escape, which made sense. Another fantastic trait of Rebecca’s that Dan felt it was too difficult to hate.

“Phil-“ Dan says calmly as he walks over to the edge of Phil’s bed and shakes him gently. Phil looks so calm asleep and Dan truly did not want to wake him and usually, he wouldn’t but today he had no choice.

Phil slowly opens his eyes and locks his gaze to Dan. He would be lying if Dan said his heart wasn’t literally in his arse at this point, Phil’s eyes are a beautiful blue shade and staring into them makes Dan feel like he’s on cloud nine.

“Wh-what? What time is it?” Phil manages to allow escape his mouth between yawning.

“Well our Uber to go to Louise’s is on its way so it’s pretty late Phil,” Dan laughed. “I assume you haven’t packed yet?”

Phil manages to allow a shake of the head to appear to Dan. Phil was still very much in the state of sleepy so it was a shock to Dan that he was understanding the conversation they were having.

“Right, Okay. You get up now and get ready. I’ll pack your bag so you don’t have to worry about that,” Dan states as he opens Phil’s wardrobe and grabs his overnight bag, throwing the necessities in it as he spoke.

Phil managed to surface pretty quickly. As he got out of bed, he quickly took off his shirt and sweatpants, so he was just in his boxers, and ran quickly into his bathroom. Dan noticed but he wasn’t going to make a big deal about it. Friends get changed in front of each other right? It’s not a big deal and Dan shouldn’t be such a creep as to fantasise the idea of Phil just in boxers for any other reason.

Dan continues throwing pairs of boxers and socks into the bag. They were only planning on staying for one night but with Louise, who knows? So it’s always useful to prepare and take a few days worth of clothing.

“I’m pretty much ready. This is a world record,” Phil mutters as he walks swiftly into his bedroom again, grabbing at the jeans on the floor and quickly scooting into them. Dan couldn’t help but notice Phil this time.

Dan watched in the corner of his eye as Phil jumped into his jeans and lounged around for a second with his bare chest exposed. He looked stunning and that annoyed Dan. He wasn’t allowed to look that good like that. It wasn’t fair on Dan.

Phil catches him but ignores it. Phil was tired so he just dismissed it straight away. Thank god.

“The Uber’s here,” Dan vocalises as he checks his phone.

 

~~~~~

 

The Uber was spent mostly in silence but that wasn’t a shock to Dan. Most Uber rides were spent with both of them on their phones playing random games or replying to emails. So it wasn’t a worry. It was also god early in the morning and neither of them had the energy to talk about pressing political issues right now.

After just under an hour of a journey, they arrive at Louise’s. And Rebecca wouldn’t arrive for a few hours so it was calming for Dan to know it was a while before he had to disappear from Phil.

Even though Dan distanced himself from Phil for a large portion of time since he got with Rebecca, he didn’t hate Phil. He hated himself for feeling this way and he knew it was the best idea for him to remove himself from the situation, in hopes that he’ll get over him. It never worked and only made the fondness all the more apparent.

The new hours that Dan had alone with Phil and Louise were spent with a brief catch up, some funny memes and cute babies. Whilst hugging cute babies didn’t completely remove the longing he had for a certain individual, it definitely did help a little bit.

“So, you’re telling me that you guys sat and watched this episode of an anime together with Rebecca, and it ended with Dan awkwardly leaving because Phil was necking on with his girl?” Louise gasps as she’s trying to hold in the laughter. Dan was frustrated that this was brought up but how can he blame Phil? Phil thought this was a funny hashtag awkward moment that was shared between friends but Dan thought it was a devastating situation to be in.

“Yeah, he just sat there through a 60-minute episode and then suddenly had his tongue in her mouth,” Dan laughed. If he couldn’t voice his sadness around the event, he may as well try his best to poke fun at Phil for it. “It looked like he was eating the poor girl.”

“Hey! It wasn’t that bad, Dan!” Phil acts shocked but breaks the awkwardness with a humorous jab into Dan’s side with his elbow. Whilst it was only a slight act of human contact, it was enough to startle Dan and luckily for him Phil didn’t notice Dan’s immediate reaction, but Louise did.

Suddenly, there’s a phone ring that disrupts the conversation for a brief moment. It was the moment Dan was dreading, it was Rebecca saying she had arrived and was outside Louise’s house. Without a thought, Phil had leapt up and left the house to meet his girlfriend, leaving both Dan and Louise alone.

There was a small period of awkward silence as Louise collected the mugs they were all drinking out of, to clean up a bit. But Louise didn’t want to mess around and asked the question she wanted the answer to.

“So, you’re still hopelessly in love with Phil aren’t you Dan?” She says, with a slight little smirk on her face, asking this both as a joke and also with some sincerity. And this shocked Dan. He and Louise had briefly spoken a few months ago, during their last catch up, about Dan’s feelings towards Phil. But that was when they were both drunk, so he just assumed she had forgotten.

Dan managed to speak with a croak, “Wh-what?”

“Oh Dan, I’m not stupid. The way you look at him, the way you speak to him and God, the way you speak about him when he isn’t here. It’s undeniable, Dan,” Louise continues. “And I’m so sorry he got a girlfriend just as you felt confident enough to tell him”

Dan just musters up the ability to nod, nothing else. He was so glad that Louise knew and understood. Keeping it all cooped up, wasn’t a valid method of coping with being hopelessly in love with your best friend, so being able to confide in someone was nice.

“It’s just… it was so much easier when he was single. I could deal with not having him then, but now he has found someone... they should just stay together forever and how is that fair? I’m so happy for him but I’m allowed to be a little bit selfish, right?” Dan eventually voices.

Louise reached her hands and rests it on Dan’s shoulder and Dan just sighed. They had a short conversation which didn’t really make any sense because they knew they had no time to let all of these emotions Dan was having before Phil and his girlfriend arrived. Dan felt complete peace in having Louise beside him.

 

~~~~~

 

The part was well underway. There was a large group of people in the lounge who were playing drinking games, they were typically the younger people here, most people had no time for drinking games now. Louise and Dan were in the kitchen talking about absolute nonsense whilst Phil and Rebecca were with a small group of people the other side of the room. This was the first time Rebecca was meeting all of their friends so obviously, Phil was going a good job at introducing them to one another.

Louise was doing his best to distract him with funny anecdotes and being generally clumsy but it wasn’t enough. Dan kept finding his wandering eyes glancing in Phil’s general direction, seeing Phil’s hand resting on Rebecca’s thigh as they laughed about whatever joke was being made. He couldn’t help but feel jealous of Rebecca’s thigh right now.

“Shall we move?” Louise attempted to interrupt Dan’s gaze, noticing that he was staring right at Phil and she didn’t want anyone to notice nor did she want Dan to be upset any longer. “We could go into the lounge and play the drinking games that the hip kids are playing?”

Dan remained silent for a short period of time. He definitely heard Louise but he made no attempt to reply. He knew what she was doing and she knew she was doing the right thing but he just felt like he deserved a little pain for a little while longer.

Eventually, he broke the silence and said he needed to go to the bathroom. Not to use it for the standard reasons, just to escape and have some alone time, but of course, he didn’t tell Louise that.

Dan made his way to the bathroom upstairs where he noticed the queue. It wasn’t huge but there were a few people he didn’t know in a small corridor where they couldn’t really all fit. Hoping that none of them tried to make conversation, he just waited. And waited.

The queue died down and he was eventually next. Even though he was the only one waiting now, there was hardly enough room for him to comfortably stand so god help if anyone came to queue. He would be fucked.

He zoned out for a little while but eventually was brought back to earth after hearing a faint “Hello”. It was from Phil.

“I haven’t seen you much tonight, Danny. Have you literally been waiting for the toilet all night?” Phil laughed as he walked up the stairs, eventually closing the gap between them which wasn’t very roomy, to begin with.

Dan felt like Phil was far too close to him, he could physically feel Phil’s breath on his face whenever he spoke. Definitely far too close for him to be and it was killing Dan but obviously, Phil was unaware of the personal space he was invading.

“Yes, Phil. I’ve been here for three hours and now I’m finally next!” he joked and looked down at his feet. He was being more visibly awkward than usual and he was hoping Phil didn’t pick up on it.

Phil frowned and asked, “Wait, are you okay? Have you drank too much? What’s wrong?”

Phil drew closer with care for his friend as Dan didn’t respond. He only felt more anxiety as Phil came closer to him. The overbearing music from downstairs was echoing in the hallway. The heat from their bodies being awfully close was making Dan break into a sweat, or was that just the fact that Phil was in touching distance and that was one thing he couldn’t do?

“Oh my god, I’m fine! Seriously, just needing to piss and this person is taking a while!” Dan exclaimed but his response wasn’t genuine and Phil could fully tell that at this point. They had spent three years almost inseparable so Phil knew just what Dan acted like when he was upset.

Phil reached out to cradle Dan’s chin with his hand and lifted it up to have eye contact with Dan. At this point, Dan’s heart is pumping so loud that he swears that Phil can hear it, which was all the more embarrassing.

Phil’s lips were incredibly close to Dan’s at this point and all Dan could think about was them. All he could look at was his lips. His. Fucking. Lips. All he could think about was how he wanted to kiss them and find out what Phil tasted like but he couldn’t. That was the one thing he couldn’t do in this situation and that killed him.

They did not break eye contact at all. Dan was exploring every part of Phil’s eyes. How beautifully blue they were but they had a slight tint of green, something he has never seen before. From how Phil’s eyes were slightly moving, Dan was thinking he was doing the same, but to be honest, he wasn’t really thinking coherent thoughts right now.

Dan began looking incredibly flustered with Phil’s hand on his face and Phil could notice, but he didn’t let go. If anything, Phil came closer (if that was possible) and broke any remaining gap they had so that their bodies were touching completely, still holding Dan’s face. Panic began brewing in Dan’s brain. He was fucking screaming in his head and that was probably completely transparent ON his face too. Just as Phil began to slowly close the gap of their faces, almost as if to kiss Dan, the bathroom door slammed open.

The girl who had spent far too long in the bathroom gave them both a weird look as they quickly separated to opposite sides of the hallway, although still quick close. Dan’s blood was rushing both downstairs and to his head, which he didn’t think was possible, but he chose to escape this situation by running into the bathroom that he had been waiting for the entire time, leaving Phil outside on his own.

As Dan locked the bathroom door, he heard a loud feminine voice call Phil back downstairs, who he assumed was Rebecca. Dan let out a huge sigh as he heard Phil run down the stairs back to the party.

Fuck.


	3. paint splattered teardrops on my shirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologises for this being such a short chapter ! i just wanted to include a little chapter in Phil's POV because I thought it was important to know how Phil was feeling. Next chapter is a mixture of both Dan and Phil's POV uwu

The morning of the party was even more painful than the party itself. Phil wasn’t a big fan of parties because of all the social interaction and drinking but he also drank a lot, so the morning wasn’t much better.

He was fortunate enough to have had Rebecca who helped him to their hotel room in the early hours of the morning. There wasn’t enough room in Louise’s to stay over as Dan did and to be honest, Rebecca didn’t want to stay either.

He woke up to Rebecca being completely naked next to him; this was odd because he was fully clothed. He did, however, have some of his shirt buttons undone which makes him assume that there were _some_ attempts at sex last night but either of them gave up.

To which he was glad. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Rebecca or that she didn’t find her attractive. She was definitely one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen and he loved her dearly but to him, he always felt she had something missing but he couldn’t pinpoint what. At all.

Phil was hoping he wouldn’t stir her with his heavy breathing, an issue he always had when he would wake up after some binge drinking because to be quite frank, he wanted to spend what he could alone. She was right there but speaking to her and trying to ignore her obsessive advances at making out was tiring and he appreciated the few minutes he had alone.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have his own way. Rebecca eventually stirred awake and to his surprise, didn’t demand sex straight away. They both got ready and kissed goodbye as Rebecca went home, back to work. Phil made his way to Louise’s as he had promised a sincere catch up with Dan.  
Dan.

He was completely smashed last night that he had forgotten what happened outside the bathroom. His Uber ride to Louise’s was taken up with thoughts of Dan’s body against his, Dan’s lip and the almost kiss they shared. It was weird but a good weird.

He thought it was obvious that when they first met that Phil had a minor crush on Dan but nothing ever progressed. Dan didn’t show any interest so Phil attempted to get over him. It didn’t work but this was what Rebecca was his final attempt.

He knew that Dan wasn’t interested and he was attacking himself for even attempting to kiss Dan last night. Maybe Dan doesn’t want him there today? Is it too late for him to go back to their flat and hide until Dan came home?

It was too late because he had arrived at Louise’s and dread filled his cheeks as he approached the house and entered.

 

~~~~~

 

The conversation was awkward, to begin with, much to Louise’s confusion. It’s obvious that Dan hasn’t told her yet. But why would he? Or maybe he forgot? Maybe he wanted to forget it ever happened?

“So yeah, that’s when Liam walked out and I couldn’t stop laughing,” Louise said, as Phil rejoins the conversation after daydreaming for far too long. “What do you think Phil?”

“Uh.. that is pretty funny” Phil adds. He didn’t know what she was talking about so he was desperately hoping that was enough for now. It wasn’t.

Louise looked at both Dan and Phil, and then back to Dan and then back to Phil again before she voiced her thoughts. “I don’t know what’s going on with you guys today but it’s weird, and I _will_ get it out of you” Louise chuckled as she raised her finger to point at both of them.

Phil looked at Dan, in hopes that Dan would meet his eye contact, but he did not. Phil was just left staring at Dan and that wasn’t the worst thing that could happen. He liked looking at Dan, to him he was flawless. It just hurt that Dan did not feel the same way, or at least didn’t return the eye glance.

He was too busy watching whatever was on the TV. It was some random cringe day time television show that they often used to mock. He wonders why Dan had taken a particular interest in the couple who were clearly in a failure of a marriage but it was obviously nothing to do with him.

“So how’s Rebecca?” Louise asked as she brought three cups of tea over to the table. Dan quickly broke his trance with the television to rejoin the conversation but was still preventing any kind of contact with Phil.

“She’s at work currently, she really enjoys being a policewoman, to be honest. She is-“ Phil talks before he is cut off by Louise, which he thought was fairly rude but within reason.

“No Phil,” she laughs. “I mean how are you guys? How is the relationship going? You hearing wedding bells?” she continues as she sips her tea whilst looking at Dan fidgeting.

“Oh. I’m not all too sure it’s working to be honest. I mean she’s okay, she’s a lovely girl but I just don’t know if it’s a long term thing”

It was at this moment that Dan perked up slightly and grabbed his tea from the table, taking a sip.

“Why’s that?” Louise replied.

“She’s just not what I’m looking for. I thought she was at the time, but I’ve realised I was lying to myself” Phil says, as he glanced at Dan for a second, hoping no one noticed.

Louise smiled and gave some lovely advice, as anyone would assume she would. It’s a very obvious Louise thing to do.

 

~~~~~

 

Phil and Dan made it back home quite late. They only planned to spend the morning with Louise but they ended up leaving hers at turned 5 pm, almost twenty-four hours since they had left to visit the day before.

They didn’t really speak much during the Uber home and nothing more could be said about their arrival home. They both pretty much ran into their rooms as soon as they got out of the Uber.

This makes complete sense to Phil. He tried to kiss his best friend whilst drunk. Dan didn’t feel the same and instead of being a dickhead about it, he chose to ignore it and hide until the awkwardness had ended.

In bed, Phil thought about all the awkward encounters they had had before Rebecca had entered his life. How they would stand too close to each other in the kitchen whilst cooking. How they would sit knees touching on the sofa whilst they shared a blanket watching the anime they were watching together. How they had no belief in personal space and always were a bit too close for **_just friends_**.

And how all of that had changed. Phil wanted to blame the change on Rebecca but he knew it wasn’t her fault. Maybe Dan just realised it was far too fucking weird to be that close to a friend and was creeped out by the whole thing. That would explain how distant Dan had been lately.

He probably knew about Phil’s stupid crush on him and just wanted to leave the situation, but was far too nice to do so. And then when Rebecca came along, he thought the crush had gone and wanted to be friends again but Phil had to go and ruin it at Louise’s party.

Ruin it with caring too much about Dan being visibly upset. Wanting to know if he was okay. Wanting to know far too much that when Dan looked away and ignored him, he tried to get Dan to look at him. Getting him to look at him was a step too far when Dan’s lips were less than an inch away from his own, bringing thoughts back. Thoughts that he thought had gone with Rebecca.

Or so he thought.

Phil eventually managed to fall asleep once his thoughts disappeared. In fact, they never really disappeared, they were still very much there but they were just going to return for a different day.


	4. told you i'd let them go

It had been a wild few days for Dan. First, one of his friends just outed his crush on Phil (granted it was only Louise and himself in the room). Second, Phil tried to fucking _kiss_ him. And third, he found out that Phil potentially didn’t want to be with his girlfriend anymore.

Of course, now was not a time to be hopeful. The kiss could have not been a kiss at all. It could have been Phil just being too close due to the small hallway at Louise’s and the alcohol was getting to him. Maybe Phil was too far gone that he thought Dan was Rebecca? And for the relationship Phil said was failing, he could definitely have a change of heart and even if they did break up, it doesn’t necessarily mean Phil would want him instead.

Right?

The only thing Dan knew he had to do today was ignore Phil. Not in a bitchy way. If Phil was to speak to him, he wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t exist but he certainly wasn’t going to prolong the conversation any longer than it was needed. Certainly not.

Dan made his way into the kitchen to make some breakfast. Usually, he waits until Phil is awake to eat breakfast together and maybe watch a few episodes of a show whilst they ate, but that seemed off the cards today. As Dan walked into the kitchen, he locks eyes with a fairly tall blanket monster that was preparing their cereal. It was Phil wrapped up in a blanket cocoon.

“Oh hiya,” Phil speaks. “Do you want some cereal?” He lifts up his box of cornflakes in the direction of Dan.

“Uhh, sure. I’ll have a bowl,” Dan replies.

“Okay.”

Phil soon meets Dan in the lounge and hands him his bowl of cornflakes, their fingers briefly touching as Dan grabs the bowl from Phil.

“How are you?” Phil asks as he looks up from his cereal across the lounge to Dan. Dan appreciated Phil’s calmness in this situation because he was definitely not calm right now.

“Yeah, I’m good actually. Just tired is all, you?”

“I’m okay”

That was the end of casual conversation and Dan decided to not create any additional conversation like he previously told himself. Dan hated that this is what it came down to. The fact he couldn’t just have fun chats with his best friend, hurt, but he knew how awkward it was.

Maybe this awkwardness won’t last forever and they’ll get back to normal soon. That’s all he can hope for.

“Hey, Dan” Phil breaks the silence. Dan darts up from staring at his now empty bowl of cereal but doesn’t look directly at Phil, he just focused his gaze on the house plant in front of him.

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk about something?”

And that was it. All of Dan’s blood rushed straight to his head. He started to blush but he wasn’t sure it was that noticeable. He could just tell that Phil was going to talk about  ** _the situation_**  that happened at Louise’s party, but not in the way he would have wanted. He was going to say that it was a mistake and that he doesn’t like Dan in that way and make it all cringe and awkward. Dan wasn’t ready for that.

 

~~~~~~

 

All the thoughts that were going through Phil’s brain right now were too much. He wanted to tell Dan that the situation that happened wasn’t a mistake and how desperately he wanted to kiss him that night, and every night in fact, but he couldn’t.

He wasn’t sure on Dan’s response to that. He is aware that Dan didn’t necessarily pull Phil off him at Louise’s but maybe that was the alcohol making Dan incredibly calm? Maybe Dan didn’t 100% know what Phil was doing because he was so distracted by the need to piss?

He also had Rebecca to think about. It would be all fun and games to tell Dan how he felt. It would be nice to hear Dan say that he felt the same. But Phil was not about to cheat on Rebecca. He didn’t love her in that way that’s for sure, but he did love and care about her.

But he was going to do it. He was going to tell Dan and not act on anything afterwards. He could just tell Dan and if Dan felt the same way, he could just leave it there. He could do it. He is going to do it and-

“I don’t know what to do about Rebecca,” Phil could not do it. “I think I’m going to break up with her,” Phil says.

Dan eventually diverts his gaze, from whatever he was staring at, to Phil now and Phil definitely felt all the emotions under the sun. He was embarrassed because he chickened out of telling Dan. He was happy because Dan  _finally_ looked at him. He was sad because he could tell Dan was too. He didn’t want Dan to be sad.

“What do you mean? I thought it was going good.”

“You know it’s not going good. I said it when we were with Louise”

Phil readjusted his seating position to be sitting more directly to Dan. So they had no option but to have definite eye contact at this point.

“Oh yeah,” Dan replied. “I think you should do whatever is best for you mate.” Dan fidgets a tiny amount, but not enough to throw Phil off and distract him from the conversation.

“I don’t know what that is, Dan.” Phil continues, breaking the eye contact to look down at his feet. The amount of anxiety Phil was feeling was unbearable. He wanted to just scream that he knew what was best for him and that was Dan but he couldn’t do that. Could he?

Fumbling with his fingers, Phil moved to the same sofa that Dan was on. It wasn’t necessary but he felt like being closer to Dan meant he could speak quieter and Rebecca wouldn’t be able to hear, even though she wasn’t even at the apartment and hers was miles away.

“I have an idea of what I want. But it seems so out of reach.”

In reality, it wasn’t out of reach. It was very reachable, Dan was. Right. There.

Phil could physically hear Dan gulp before he eventually spoke, “You should go for it. If you want it, I mean”

There was a brief silence where Phil was just staring at Dan, wondering what to say and more importantly what to do. The only thing he wanted to do right now is to grab Dan’s face and press his lips against his own, but he couldn’t.

A sudden wave of confidence ran over Phil. He wasn’t about to kiss Dan like he wanted to do so desperately. But he was going to make a bold step.

“I can’t go for it because it would ruin everything I have in life”

And at that moment, Phil realised what he had done. He regretted it so deeply. Without thinking any further, which obviously he had done too much of today, he leapt up off the sofa and escaped to his room – where he was going to stay until he could shake off the embarrassment.

 

~~~~~~

 

Dan was left in the lounge alone. He couldn’t believe what he had heard but at the same time, he didn’t know whether he was being too optimistic about the words he was hearing.

He just sat and sat some more until he gave up thinking. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. It got to the point where he realised how crazy he was thinking what he heard was beneficial to him at all. So, he got up and went to his bedroom where he stayed until he was distracted.

He scrolled through endless Tumblr pages until he realised distracting himself would _not_ work. He went onto Facebook and the first thing he saw was a photo from Louise’s party. It was a dark photo that didn’t really make any sense to upload but he could see the morphed figures of Phil and Rebecca. It was very obvious that they were cuddling on the sofa in the corner of the photo and for some reason, Dan couldn’t take his eyes off it.

It hurt. He wanted that for himself but there was no way in hell. No way in hell that he would be able to be cuddled on a sofa at a party full of their friends, with Phil. He didn’t want it with anyone other than Phil so he just had to accept that that would never happen and that hurt more than the possibility of seeing Phil cuddling anyone else.

He wanted to cry. All he could think about was crying, screaming almost. But he had no chance to do that because there was suddenly a faint knock on his bedroom door and soon entered a darkened figure, still in a blanket cocoon.

“Hello,” Phil said.

“Hiya, are you okay?” Dan replied.

“I- Rebecca and I broke up. I did it”

Dan lunged out of his lying down position to sit up in order to look at his friend’s body language a little easier.

“Can I stay here with you? I can’t imagine being in my room alone right now,” Phil continued. “I’m not sad about the breakup but I’m just sad, Dan.”

Dan adjusted his body in order to make some room in the bed for Phil and lifted the duvet up, as an invitation for Phil to join him. They kept a comfortable distance as Phil turned towards Dan as they both lay down.

“Thank you,” Phil says as he smiles directly into Dan’s eyes.


	5. i'll fight my corner

Dan wakes up in an incredibly delirious state but he daren’t open his eyes. He couldn’t believe that he _let_ Phil come into his room last night. He told himself that he wasn’t going to speak to Phil until all the drama died down and when either of them forgot about the night at Louise’s but he fucking bottled it as soon as he had a chance.

Phil had probably left though. He probably woke up in the middle of the night and panicked that he was next to Dan in bed and fled. Rightly so. Even thinking about sleeping in the same bed as Phil makes Dan’s stomach feel heavy, like a weight on his chest.

Wait.

The heavyweight twitched. Dan looked down at this stomach to realise it was an arm. Phil’s arm. Somehow in the night, Phil must have shuffled over towards Dan and latched onto the nearest life source thinking it was Rebecca.

It didn’t mean that Dan didn’t like it though. He felt guilty that he was enjoying being cuddled by Phil but he couldn’t help but soak up every single second of this opportunity he had until Phil eventually wakes up and freaks out.

His warmth was soothing. His legs intertwined with his own so practically every section of their bodies was touching. It felt right. It felt safe.

This feeling didn’t last long, however, because soon enough Phil stirred and broke away from the warm embrace that they both had. Dan wasn’t sure if Phil was awake or not but he wasn’t thinking about that. He was thinking about how Phil was single now and if Dan wanted to, he had the opportunity to tell him how he has been feeling for the last few years. Not that he ever would though.

“Morning,” Phil broke the silence. “Thank you for letting me sleep here”

Phil created more distance between them as he stretched, waking up even more.

“It’s okay.”

They both stopped speaking as Phil managed to find his way out of the cocoon blanket and land on his feet, beside the bed.

“I broke up with her, you know?” Phil said as he left.

“I know.”

 

~~~~~~

 

A lot of the day had passed and things were looking a lot less awkward, in Phil’s eyes at least. They didn’t really hang out with each other for most of the day which is usual for them anyway. Dan was probably sleeping or editing a video like Phil was. Phil didn’t need to edit a video but he wanted a distraction, a distraction from his thoughts.

All he could think about was Dan. That never really left his mind but it was there all the more so since Louise’s party. He knew he wasn’t going to cheat on his now ex-girlfriend but he wanted to. At that moment he forgot about his girlfriend and just wanted Dan.

And that hasn’t changed. He was working up the courage to go and speak to Dan but how could he do that? He could barely look Dan in the eyes without wanting to either cry or scream that he loves him.

So he decided to text him. He sat down on the lounge sofa and grabbed his phone, texting and deleting the message several times before he eventually sent one.

 

**Text To Dan:**

_Hiya, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Can we speak? But over text, please?_

_It took several minutes of Phil frantically tapping his phone on the sofa arm before his phone vibrates._

 

**Text From Dan:**

_Phil, I’m literally in the bloody room next to you, why can’t I just come in? Shall I?_

 

Phil panicked. He needed to reply quickly because if he didn’t, Dan might want the conversation face to face and come into the lounge and Phil could NOT deal with that.

 

**Reply to Dan:**

_No no. I can’t._

_I’m just feeling a lot of things right now and I can’t do it face to face._

 

Phil threw his phone lightly over to the other sofa in a panic. He can’t believe he was that bold that quickly into the conversation. And that bold when he doesn’t even know how he thinks, not truly anyway. He had a little crush on his best friend Dan but that didn’t necessarily mean anything, right?

 

**Text Message From Dan:**

_Ok. Go ahead?_

_Phil?_

_Phil, you’re scaring me a lil bit?_

_Ok, fuck it. I’m coming to the lounge now you can’t just say that to me and then not reply for long periods of time._

 

~~~~~~

 

Dan sent the last text with a huge amount of guilt behind it. Phil said he wanted to talk over text but he just _stopped_ replying to him. All kinds of thoughts ran through his head about what could be happening. Phil could literally be dying in the next room and Dan wouldn’t know.

The thought of that really made Dan’s heart stop so he had no choice but to leap out of his bed and ran into the lounge. He was met with Phil who hadn’t yet noticed his appearance in the room at this point. Phil had his head in his hands and was heavily breathing, which confused Dan greatly because what the fuck did Phil want to talk about that made him react like _this?!_

“Hi Phil”

Dan just watched Phil dart up. Not only lift his head out of hands, but also jump out of his seat, which startled Dan.

“Hello”

“You wanted to talk?”

“…Yeah, I did. But I don’t think I can”

Phil fell back into his seat and Dan quickly followed and sat down too, this time right next to Phil instead of the other sofa. They were close enough to have a whispered conversation but not close enough for it to be weird, or at least not close enough for Dan’s mind to race to THOSE thoughts.

“I don’t think I can talk like this, Dan. It’s too much.” Phil continues, not daring to look at Dan.

“It’s okay. We don’t have to but you are literally scaring me,” Dan replied. He scoots a little closer to Phil but that doesn’t budge Phil’s inability to look at him. Dan thought getting closer to Phil would change that but if anything it made it worse.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to.. It- It’s just a lot right now”

“It’s okay”

“It’s not though is it? I made you panic and this is all because of I just … _CAN’T_ say things that I want to say” muttered Phil, and Dan could tell that whatever Phil needed to say, it was bothering him. So much so that Dan could see Phil getting progressively redder in the face.

Dan reached out for Phil’s hand, a point of contact that Dan didn’t know he had the confidence levels for just yet. He grabbed his hand not in a form of romance but more for trust and affection. He wanted Phil to know he was there for him and he wanted Phil to know, if he wanted to speak about anything that was bothering him he can and if he didn’t, that’s fine too.

Dan felt a gentle squeeze on his hand and that was enough satisfaction he needed to know he did the right thing. They kept the hand holding going through the casual small talk they had to take Phil’s mind off of whatever it was and Dan gradually saw the pain and discomfort and tears leave Phil’s face and be replaced with a pleasant amount of joy.

“I’m feeling better,” Phil vocalised, still gripping on dearly to Dan’s hand, almost as if all of his current happiness is only accessible through Dan’s hand. “Thank you.”

The sincerity on Phil’s face is genuine and the warmth quickly duplicates onto Dan’s. They look at each other for a split second, pondering over the what if’s and the almosts that this conversation could have helped. They both wanted the same thing but they didn’t know it.


	6. my blood turns to alcohol

Waking up sucks. Lately, Dan wakes up to a pounding heart and a headache. It’s a lot but it’s manageable. He isn’t leaving his bed today.

Dan shuffles and turns on his side to get comfortable in bed when he is hit with a whiff of an intoxicating mix of florals and heady spice. And his pillow next to him, on the other side of his bed, was covered in a spray of black straight hairs.

“Morning,” a sound that erupts from the darkness and silence. “I hope you don’t mind. I couldn’t sleep.”

It was Phil, in his bed. Automatically Dan thinks he is dreaming because why would Phil be in his bed? It must be all in his head, that’s the only reasonable reason behind this. Surely.

“Am I overstepping?” Phil continued.

“What? No. It was just a shock to see you here,” Dan said as he rolled over onto his back to stare at the ceiling. Even sleepy Dan wasn’t strong enough to stare at Phil in his bed and not have his mind wander. “In my bed.” He continued to croak.

Phil didn’t move and neither did Dan for several minutes. They both just lay next to each other heavily breathing. All Dan could think about was the fact the person he loved dearly and the only person he wanted anything romantic with, was in bed with him.

And how he wanted to so desperately wrap his arm around his midriff and place his other hand gently through his hair, appreciating every single inch of Phil’s beauty. And then when he thought he did that enough (even though in theory, it never would be) he would have broken his hand away from Phil’s hair and stroke along his temple and then his cheek, stopping at his chin, holding it just like how Phil held his at Louise’s party. And then-

Dan has to stop his thoughts from wondering any further because to be quite frank, it was painful as fuck. It’s physically impossible for him to stay in the same bed as Phil and not overthink those things so he decides to leave.

Dan leaps up out of bed and quickly makes a b-line for his bedroom door, hoping to leave and go for a walk but that plan was halted as soon as Phil noticed, “Where are you going?”

“Just out.”

“Can I come?”

“Not really. I want to just do some quick errands on my own.”

“Oh. Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

And with that Dan was out of the bedroom door, leaving Phil alone in his room. A room that wasn’t even his.

Dan left no opportunity for Phil to follow him. He walked down the street with purpose and that purpose was to get away. He didn’t know where, but he wanted to get away. Not necessarily from Phil but away from their life, even for a minute.

Either Phil was just completely unaware of Dan’s feelings that he had made blatantly obvious or Phil knew and was ignoring it, hoping that it would go away. But Dan knew it all too well, after years of hopelessly crushing on Phil, that it would not go away any time soon. So he was taking it upon himself to forget about it, if only for a second.

This was until he felt a subtle vibration from his joggers pocket. Reaching his hand to grab his phone, he began to deeply regret this decision.

 

**Text Message from Phil:**

_I don’t know if I’m overstepping but I can’t help but feel like you’re frustrated with me._

 

**Text Message from Phil:**

_I understand if you want to be alone but if you could please just message me to ease my nerves?_

 

Upon this moment, it only made Dan throw his phone back into his trouser pocket and continue walking, but faster. He wasn’t really walking with any purpose because he didn’t really understand where his feet were taking him but he accepted it.

He managed to stop speed walking once he got to a secluded park and sat down on one of the many benches that were homed there. And that’s where he sat for several minutes until he caved in and grabbed his phone.

 

**Reply to Phil:**

_I’m fine. I just needed some fresh air. I’ll be back_

 

**Text Message from Phil:**

_Where are you? I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault._

 

In Dan’s head, he knew it wasn’t Phil’s fault. It’s not Phil’s fault that Dan has a hopeless crush on him. It’s not Phil’s fault that he wasn’t interested in Dan that way and made that obvious with the fact he got a girlfriend. But Dan couldn’t help to feel like it was Phil’s fault that Dan liked him. He had no right looking at Dan with those baby blue eyes. He had no right to care about Dan the way he did.

But he did. And Dan loved him all the more for it, regardless of how upset he was feeling right now.

 

**Reply to Phil:**

_I’m in the park. I’m not too far. I’ll probably be here for a while, please don’t come and find me. I literally want to be alone for a while :))_

 

The smiley emoji seemed a bit excessive and he knew Phil would probably sense his lie just on that alone because Dan always voiced his hatred for emojis but it was okay. He knew Phil would take this as his chance to give him space and this was settled when Phil didn’t reply.

 

~~~~~~

 

It had been about an hour and Dan was still sat on the exact same bench in the exact same park. Nothing had changed. He was still upset and didn’t want to go home.

He thought about it. He thought about going home and just hiding in his bed until Phil forgot he ever left in a rush this morning. He could possibly do that but it’s obvious from the text messages that Phil had sent him. He had been ignoring the vibrating in this pocket for the last half hour which was new texts inevitably from Phil.

He just wasn’t ready to go home yet but he needed to escape the confines of the bench. So he got up and left. He began walking to the first thing he laid his eyes on – an off license.

After many minutes deciding on what he was going to do, he picked up a small, but a reasonable bottle of off-brand vodka and purchased it. As he gave the money to the employee, he may have slightly regretted his choices. Dan never drank alcohol and if he did, it was certainly something more exciting than straight vodka. Straight vodka was the least him thing in the alcohol world. Anything straight was the least him thing.

Returning to the park he was once at, but instead of the bench he called him for the last hour, he moved to a new one. New sceneries meant new places to think. Taking a swig of the vodka, he realised that he already made a grave mistake, not only drinking in the state he is in but also leaving Phil.

He has the permanent memory of Phil’s face when he left the room. Phil was so confused and hurt. Phil thought he did something wrong. Dan knew deep down that he did nothing wrong and it was an issue that they both had to resolve together, like adults.

Dan took another huge gulp of the vodka, cringing at the aftermath and the sheer strength of the alcohol. He took another one and another one until the small bottle of vodka was empty. There was deep regret though because Dan was soon incredibly intoxicated and unable to process coherent thoughts.

All he could think about was Phil. Sitting on the bench meant he saw plenty of happily in love couples going to and from wherever they please, holding hands and occasionally smooching here and there. It was like the worlds way of showing him what he could have but was too scared to even attempt to get.

He wanted that. He wanted to be able to walk down the street holding hands with Phil. He wanted to be able to kiss Phil whenever he pleased. He wanted Phil to be his boyfriend. He wanted to be able to be one of _those_ couples that people were jealous of, like the ones he was desperately staring at.

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was his sudden surge of confidence that he obtained from seeing the couples in the park. But all that was going through his head was that he needed to tell Phil.

As he leapt up from the bench, the overwhelming energy that alcohol gives hit Dan. Slowly walking out of the park, he made his way home.

He didn’t know how but he was going to tell Phil. Phil needed to know that Dan was hopelessly in love with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please lemme know how you're finding this fic ! <3


	7. i just want to hold you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delayed update ! i was at london pride this weekend so i had no time to write aaaa ! but here u go <3

Walking along the streets just before midday, completely drunk was a difficult situation for Dan to be in. He hardly ever gets this drunk and being out in broad daylight is an even more difficult because being drunk at this time isn’t the social norm, so he was achieving some looks.

He didn’t have to walk very far until he made it back to the apartment but something happened. Dan just halted in front of the door and stared ahead, almost as if there was an invisible wall that was blocking him from entering the flat. There wasn’t a wall however, the alcohol hadn’t completely impaired his thoughts.

He was suddenly nervous. He could quite literally feel his heart pounding out of his chest as he just knew he was probably going to make a mistake. All he could think is how much of a mistake it would be for him to walk into their lounge, where he assumed Phil would be and just confess everything. It would be a huge mistake.

Dan just assumes that Phil would take one look at him and run away and never return, and that would crush Dan more than never having Phil in his life romantically.

Alas, he had no choice but to eventually swallow his pride and open the front door to his apartment and to then slowly close it behind him. However, Dan was incredibly intoxicated so anything he assumed was slow and quiet, was in fact not, so as soon as he shut the door, he heard a soft voice come from one of the rooms.

“Dan?” The sound became gradually louder as Phil emerged from his room until the hallway, meeting each other both physically and with eye contact. Phil’s eyes were burning into Dan’s and it made it all the more difficult for Dan to not scream his love for him.

“You’re back! How are you doing?” Phil said as he took a few steps towards Dan, but Dan matched that by taking a few steps back. Phil met this with a slight frown.

 

~~~~~~

 

Phil just stood there, waiting for Dan to respond. And all that was going through his head was how sad Dan looked and how desperately he wanted to hold him, hoping that would make him feel any better.

“I’m fine, I just want to go to bed,” Dan slurred, attempting to make his way down the hallway but failing at the first hurdle and tripping over the pair of shoes that he had just taken off. Phil taking an opportunity to get closer to Dan, he leapt forward in order to help him up.

“You’re drunk,” Phil exclaims as he wraps his arm around Dan’s waist in order to lift him up, pulling him just a little bit up against his own body as a result. “Why were you drinking?”

“I didn’t plan to. It just happened,” stuttered Dan. Phil was desperately trying to reach eye contact with his friend but there was no chance that was happening when Dan could barely walk in a straight line.

They eventually reach the lounge and Phil gently places Dan down onto the sofa, where he slumps down into his sofa crease. Phil left him alone for a brief moment but returned with a glass of water, to which he handed it to Dan.

“Drink this. It’ll calm you down a little bit,” Phil explained as he sat down beside Dan, watching Dan drink a considerable amount of water fairly quickly. “Now do you wanna talk about what happened this morning?”

 

~~~~~~

 

Daniel was still heavily intoxicated even after the glass of water so his train of thoughts was skewed. All he could think about was what he was so determined to do just less than an hour ago, and that was to tell Phil about his crush. Crush is a word used incredibly lightly by Dan because he knew it wasn’t just a crush.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dan eventually responded to Phil, who was just anxiously awaiting his response.

“I think we need to.”

“We seriously don’t.”

Dan’s hand was met suddenly with Phil’s, who slowly and carefully intertwined his fingers in between Dan’s. This was the very same thing Dan had done with Phil when Phil was having his minor moment just less than twenty-four hours ago, so Dan knew it was an act of comfort and trust.

“I would like to talk about it at some point,” Dan added. “But I know it will change everything and I don’t want that. Not now anyway.”

“I’ll still be here regardless of what you tell me.”

“You won’t.”

“I will, I can promise you that, Dan.”

Dan vocalises a loud sigh which was met with Dan standing up on his feet in an attempt to walk away. But Dan didn’t get far until Phil leapt up to meet him and tug his hand backwards, so Dan fell back onto the sofa.

“Phil I- I can’t do this right now. I’m really fucking drunk,” Dan sighed as he sunk himself down into the sofa alongside Phil.

Not letting go of Dan’s hand and also staring deeply into Dan’s eyes, Phil explained that he didn’t care if Dan didn’t want to talk about what was bothering him now because all he cared about was Dan and his wellbeing right now, so they could definitely bring this back up when Dan was sober and ready.

And so they sat there, hands being held, in silence. Both just being in each other’s company and that was enough. The silence occasionally being broke by Dan’s heavy breathing due to his alcohol intake.

Sitting like this was torment for Dan. All he wanted to do was lean all that further onto Phil, rest on his shoulder and tell him how much he loved him. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was Dan’s overwhelming desire to do just that but he did at least one of the things he wanted to do at that moment.

Without thinking all too much, Dan shuffled ever more closely to Phil and gracefully placed his head on his shoulder, close enough for the top of his head to be covering Phil’s neck. He just relaxed there for a few seconds until Phil met him by resting his head slightly on top of Dan’s too.

It felt so incredibly safe like this. Dan felt like this was right. It felt like home.

“I like this,” Dan muttered under his breath. He doesn’t immediately move away or make any movement to deter Phil from breaking the connection they are currently having. Instead, he basks in the comfort, having Phil’s head against his and leaning on his shoulder, feeling Phil’s body heat through every inch of his body.

“What do you mean, “you like this”,” Phil replied. Phil snaked his remaining hand and arm around Dan to ever so slightly hug him, placing his hand just on his hipbone. To which, Dan met with a light shudder because feeling Phil against his body is far too much of a sensory overload for a drunk Dan.

Deeply regretting the bold statement that he made and trying to backtrack, Dan explained, “You know this,” Grabbing onto Phil’s hand a little tighter. “Being here. With you. It feels safe, it feels r-right.”

Fuck. Maybe backtracking wasn’t his strong point.  
He didn’t have the nerves to lift his head up to witness what Phil’s face was looking like right now, so he just had to settle for feeling Phil’s body language shift. But it didn’t. Phil stayed exactly the same, only with a little heavier breathing momentarily.

“I agree.”

Dan pushes away from Phil ever so slightly, not too much so Phil removes his hand from Dan’s hipbone, just enough so they are now looking at each other properly. The eye contact they are now having, Dan doesn’t meet with anxiety and nerves this time, it’s much rather comfort and safety. It _feels right_.

Dan pushes his fingers, ones that were once intertwined with Phil’s, into the silky strands of Phil’s hair. Starting by sweeping his fringe from his forehead and resting gently just under Phil’s ear. Phil sighs, a sigh of pleasure escaping him.

“I don’t think you know what I mean to agree, Phil,” Dan laughed, slurring ever so slightly.

“Try me.”

“Listen, Philly,” said Dan as he removed his hand from Phil’s neck, sliding it down his shoulder to meet his hand again. “I may be drunk but I’m not about to say what I’ve been thinking for months now.”

“I bet it’s very different to how I’ve been thinking, but I still would like to know,” Phil explains, making Dan laugh.

Dan was getting frustrated at this point because he didn’t want to tell Phil, at all. It dawned upon him that Phil was his friend and him telling him what he wanted to say, would potentially ruin that if Phil didn’t feel the same. Which of course he didn’t. Why would he?

But Phil wasn’t budging. For the next ten minutes, Phil just constantly asked for Dan to tell him, but not in a pressuring way, in an almost teasing way. A way in which Dan knew it wasn’t serious and there was no force on him to tell Phil truly. But it was still getting to him, the teasing was working.

“Phil,” Dan laughed. “I’m not telling you.”

Phil began playfully budging Dan in his side with his fingers, which made Dan laugh even further.

“Come on! Come on! Come on! Tellllllllllllllll ME!”

In the midst of the laughter, Dan lost all record of his ability to think and just blurted out the first excuse that came to mind, “N-no. I’m not telling you because there would be literally no chance that you’d want me back.”

Suddenly all of the playing stopped, although they still remained intertwined in more ways than one. Dan realised what he had done. With a million thoughts going through his head, all he managed was a rather large gulp.

“What?” Phil stuttered whilst maintaining the eye contact that they had achieved after Dan said those demanding words.

“Fuck,” Dan adjusted himself in his seat slightly, in discomfort and nervousness. “I may as well say it properly now. I like you, Phil. Have done for quite a while now and I’m gonna regret saying it once I’m sober but I do.”


	8. all i want is the taste that your lips allow

“Are you kidding?” Phil muttered, with a soft grin on his face, both sincere and nervous which equally confused Dan evermore.

Dan didn’t know what to do. Part of him just told him to run and change the subject, say it was the alcohol and move on but the other part of him realised it was far too late because now he has said it. He said it with a certain level of aggression too which makes it even harder to backtrack or excuse in any way. Dan had told him and he had to deal with the consequences.

Dan fidgeted in his seat and stated, “No I’m not kidding. I wish I was. I wish I didn’t potentially ruin our friendship. I wish I didn’t have a stupid crush on my best fr-“

And with that, Phil decided to cut Dan off in the middle of his sentence, in the middle of his apology for having a crush on his best friend. He cut him off with a gentle finger against his lips, to prevent any more words coming out because he quite frankly had enough of Dan apologising for something he didn’t need to apologise for. He didn’t need to apologise for having a crush on Phil. Phil wanted that, but Dan didn’t know that.

“Shut up, you don’t need to apologise for any of this you idiot,” Phil laughed with a nervous grin on his face. Dan just replied with his same old confused frown. The one that Phil saw all too much lately and he wasn’t sick of it, not one bit.

Phil pushed his fingers into the fringe of Dan’s hair, curling it around his ear to get it out of his face. This was purely because Phil hated Dan’s attempts at hiding his face; he didn’t need to and more importantly, Phil didn’t want him to. He had such a pretty face and he shouldn’t be hiding it.

Dan sighed happily, a sweet release of pleasure escaping him, as Phil did this. Dan longed for Phil’s touch for many months and now he was _getting it_. He didn’t want this moment to end. Eventually, Phil ran his fingers from his ear and resting them on his jawline, just above his neck.

“You don’t have to apologise for anything,” Phil gasped as he stared intently into Dan’s eyes, home. He closed the gap between his face and Dan’s and rested his forehead against Dan’s own. Both breathing heavily, Phil pressed his lips against Dan’s.

A kiss that started soft and gentle, almost nervous with Dan not reciprocating for a single second due to the shock, soon emerged into a passionate and steamy exchange. Opened mouths, Phil’s tongue guided Dan’s around his own mouth, a new experience for both of them.

Gasping for breath, Dan whispered, “W-would it be bold for me to assume the feeling is mutual?”

All Phil could reply was a gentle chuckle under his breath, the one he was attempting to regain and place a few light kisses trailing from Dan’s lips to his cheek.

 

~~~~~~

 

“So,” Dan exclaimed, twiddling with Phil’s hand as he nervously spoke. Phil looked at him with the most angelic face he has ever seen, he’s seen Phil be happy before but never THIS happy. “Can we kiss again?”

They both laughed calmly under their breath as Phil took his hand once again, just like he did before he kissed Phil just ten minutes ago, cradling Dan’s jawline with his hand and playing with the rouge strands of hair that were tangled down by his ear.

Ignoring Dan’s plea to smooch again, Phil asked, “So how long have you l-liked me?” with a small grin, not taking his hands off of Dan’s beautiful face whilst Dan slowly pushed into it. Dan didn’t know he was doing that. He didn’t know he was doing anything at this moment.

He was so distracted by the previous kiss, Phil’s wetness still lingering on his lips. Still being able to feel Phil’s tongue massaging his own and exploring his mouth. Phil’s hands in his hair, hands that were still there. It was all oddly distracting and he didn’t want it to end.

“Dan?”

There was still a brief period of silence but Dan managed to come back down to earth with a little hum as if to say _what_.

“I said, how long have you liked me? I would like to know.” letting out a little smirk.

“Oh,” Dan whispered as he made a desperate attempt to make himself more comfortable without making Phil remove his touch. “A while. I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment when I was like  ** _wow this is Phil and he is everything I want_**  but I remember a moment when we were in Starbucks after filming at the BBC studios and you were smiling at something on your phone and I j-just couldn’t stop looking, you know?”

He couldn’t stop staring into Phil’s stunning baby blue eyes as he spoke. For how long he had waited for this moment, he wasn’t going to tell Phil just yet, but he had waited a while and he just wanted to breathe in every moment as Phil was his air and he couldn’t live without his air.

All Dan heard was a muttered _wow_ under Phil’s breath, as he held back a light chuckle out of nervousness.

“I remember that day. I was actually scrolling through Instagram and I saw a fan post a screenshot from the radio show. It was screaming about Phan being real because of the way you were looking at me in the screenshot and it made me happy to think about.”

“Wait. You’ve liked me since that moment too?”

“Dan I’ve liked you since I laid my eyes upon you, but I just didn’t think I could have you.”

“What about Rebecca?” Dan frowned a little bit, and that frown was met by Phil at the mention of his ex-girlfriends name. “You dated Rebecca for months, Phil.”

“This may make me sound like a horrible person but I only tried dating to get over you, because I didn’t want to ruin what we had, what we have. I know it’s fucked up but when I realised it wasn’t working, that’s when I broke up with her. I didn’t want to lead anyone on but I had to try something, being hopelessly in love with you, Dan, was so painful.”

That’s when Phil realised what just came out on his. _Being hopelessly in love with you_. He couldn’t believe he said that and they only admitted they had feelings for one another less than an hour ago. Good going, Phil.

He hoped Dan didn’t notice but it was far too clear that he did. The way the corners of Dan’s mouth lifted upwards at the sound of love made it obvious he heard what Phil said.

“It seemed like you were doing so well with her.”

“You really think that?”

Dan nodded lightly.

“Dan, did you ever wonder how YOU were the only friend, person, who met her. I didn’t introduce her to anyone else because I just didn’t have the heart to. I didn’t want her in my life in that way and when she invited herself to Louise’s par-“

Dan did exactly what Phil did to him when everything changed not long ago. He could tell Phil was getting upset and frustrated at the situation and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want his Phil to be upset about anything anymore, because it didn’t matter.

He cut him off with pressing his finger against his ~~friend’s~~ Phil’s lips, to prevent any more words coming out. Dan dragged his fingers alongside Phil’s cheekbone, resting his palm on his cheek, fingers in hair.

“It’s okay. I understand,” Dan allowed escape his lips as he gazed at every part of Phil’s face in wonder. His eyes. His big blue eyes beaming at Dan’s, sharing loving glances at one another. His skin. So frosty and pale but still all the more beautiful. It was perfect. Dan didn’t know you could call skin perfect until he was so close to Phil’s for the first time, but Phil’s was definitely perfect. His lips. _God_ his lips. They were so plump and soft. Dan could still feel them on his face, where Phil placed gentle kisses not that long ago. God Phil was so beautiful and Dan just wished Phil knew it.

Eventually, Dan ran his hand down from Phil’s cheek to his neck, snaking it around the back of it to push Phil closing to him. Closing the gap between them so they could feel each other's breath on their face, sending shivers down one another's spine.

Dan pressed his lips over Phil’s. Gentle at first because he was unsure whether Phil would want this. Yes, they had just kissed but would Phil want to kiss him again? They kissed for what felt like a lifetime but a second all the same. The kiss eventually grew deeper, into a much more passionate affair. He kissed Phil like he was drowning and Phil was the small bubbles of air he was finding under the water. Phil kissed him back like he was giving up what small amounts of air he still had in his lungs just to keep Dan afloat.

This was perfect.

 

~~~~~~

 

They spent the rest of the evening cuddling up on the sofa watching random television shows that they both found interest in, occasionally giving each other light pecks on the face whenever they felt it necessary. Because they were allowed to now.

They stayed up until the late AM just talking to each other about random things, things they would easily talk to each other about regardless of their newly blossoming relationship. That’s what made it so perfect for Dan and Phil. They were already long term boyfriends in everything but name. They had met each others family. They had seen each other at their worst and their best. They were soulmates regardless of the romance that was brewing.

It made it easy and it wasn’t like they were even trying.


	9. give me love like never before

Dan woke up with potentially the biggest grin on his face that he has ever had, at least for as long as he can remember. He probably had a smile bigger as a kid, getting the toy he wanted for his birthday or whatever, but this smile was different.

He liked Phil. Phil liked him. It was perfect.

The only thing that was missing was waking up next to Phil. They both decided it was best to sleep in their own beds for this night as everything was still so unbelievably fresh and they wanted to have a moment for them to process what happened the night before.

Light kisses. Heavy kisses. Passionate kisses. Affection. Hands intertwined. Thighs touching. Cuddles. Touch. _Love_.

Just thinking about it, Dan came out in a bright blush but this didn’t last long as there was a knock at the door and in came Phil, him too with the biggest grin on his face.

“Hello,” Phil said shutting the door behind him. “How are you, Danny?”

“You know what? I’m actually doing shit. Yesterday was the worst day of my life,” Dan said sarcastically. He made sure his tone was enough to not flood Phil with panic and he knew he was successful when he was soon hit over the face with the pillow next to him.

“Actually shut up.”

Phil didn’t need an invitation to get into Dan’s bed. He probably would have asked for one usually but been as they spent a lot of nights in each other’s beds platonically the last few days, he didn’t think to ask. He snaked his way until the duvet and clung to Dan, just like he had done the night before on the sofa in front of the television.

Dan wrapped his hand under Phil’s neck as Phil wrapped his own over the torso of Dan. It was done so smoothly like they had years of planning this cuddle in bed but in reality, they were just SO meant to be that it worked like that. There was no planning and no second guessing with one another, they knew what they were doing.

“But seriously?” Phil eventually broke the silence, Dan still hadn’t told him how he was doing and whilst Phil wasn't the paranoid type, he just wanted to know to ease his anxiety for both this blossoming relationship and to genuinely know how Dan was.

“I’m good. Great actually.”

“I’m glad.”

“And you?”

“I can actually relate to what you said originally. HAAAAATED yesterday,” he said, hiding his sarcasm just to tease Dan. But what Phil didn’t know is he was pressed up against Dan’s bare chest and Dan could feel Phil let out a smirk against his ribcage so he knew Phil was joking.

“You can’t steal my jokes, Phil, we’ve been through this,” Dan muttered under his breath as he tried to remain unbothered by Phil being so awfully close to Dan. It wasn’t much different to last night, proximity wise but the major difference was Dan was topless, as that was how he slept most nights unless it was winter when the air was all the more chilly.

Phil began absentmindedly talking about the day ahead he had planned. He was going to shoot a couple of Youtube videos to pre-plan before their eventual departure to California for Vidcon next week. They were planning on staying in California for three weeks so he needed at least that many videos filmed, edited and scheduled.

Dan was listening, of course, he knew what Phil was saying but he couldn’t help but be distracted. Distracted because he couldn’t stop thinking about the situation he was in. He was lying in bed with Phil, his best friend who he had a crush on for most of their friendship. He wasn’t just lying in bed innocently, they were cuddling which was new for them to be doing wide awake.

But also distracted because Phil’s hand was wandering across his stomach as he spoke. His fingers tracing the lines that his stomach naturally had; the line of hair going from his belly button to the edge of his boxers and the lines of absent and shy abs that Dan had. He didn’t know whether Phil was aware of what he was doing but even if he was, he wasn’t aware of the effect it had on Dan. It was such an innocent act of affection and Dan felt stupid for being so affected by it but it set a light deep in the pit of his stomach that he hadn’t truly felt it before.

Was it love? Was it lust? Who knows but he enjoyed it. He had never felt it before and it felt only right to feel it with Phil for the first time.

 

~~~~~~

 

Eventually they got out of bed to begin the day, however, it was already midday by the time they even thought about breakfast. Phil made them both his iconic eggs and toast as he did most mornings and they sat close together on the sofa, knees touching, whilst they watched an episode of the anime they were watching it together.

Dan was a fast eater so once he had done, he had an opportunity to just rest against Phil, head of his shoulder feeling his warmth. Phil didn’t seem to mind that Dan resting on his shoulder made it a little more difficult for him to manoeuvre his arm to shovel the eggs into his mouth. Once Phil was done too, he put his plate on top of Dan’s, much to Dan’s acted annoyance, and rested his head lightly on Dan’s.

They stayed like that for a while, just like they did the night before watching television together. It seemed like this would be a running theme of theirs.

“Do you need any help with your filming?” Dan broke the silence. The truth is, he always helped Phil with his filming so the answer was obviously yes but he just felt it was nice to ask, maybe Phil wanted a moment alone without Dan being all over him.

“Well I’m filming the video I planned ages ago, I bought the outfits that our viewers picked out for me. I may just need your help passing me the outfits for me to get changed into if that’s okay?”

Dan nodded lightly but all he could think about is the chances of Phil getting changed in front of him and it not being awkward. They haven’t done anything more than make out but still, it was a given that they were eventually going to see each other in boxers in a more intimate way and that excited Dan a little bit. He was looking forward very much so to helping Phil with this video.

 

~~~~~~

 

_“I’ve always been quite safe when it comes to my clothing options. I just wear black jeans, a bright t-shirt with something zany on it. But I thought maybe it’s time for a change and maybe you guys could help me!”_

_“So with the help of my trusty assistant behind the camera, say hello?”_

“Hi,” Dan exchanged a smirk to Phil. He was behind the camera and wasn’t going to have any place in front of it so he used this opportunity to just look at Phil how he wanted to look at him, without the threat of it being in a Phan-is-real compilation video in a few weeks time.

Phil continued speaking and doing the introduction for the video whilst Dan just stared. And it took a couple of attempts because sometimes Phil would catch his eyes and giggle or get distracted so they’d have to restart, but they managed to do it and they were onto the outfit part of the video.

The first part of outfit number one was a pair of black ripped skinny jeans, an item of clothing that Phil has never worn before and Dan knew that all too well. As Phil appeared wearing them, Dan was startled. They were literally something so simple and easy, what he usually wears but with a few holes in them but they made Phil look edgier and hot. Obviously, something that Dan was in favour of.

“What the fuck Phil?! You look so good in those,” Dan said biting his lip looking at Phil up and down and looking at Phil’s face after a few seconds. Phil was already blushing and letting out a soft smile.

“Thank you, I actually kinda like them!”

“Fuck Phil, you look .. dare I say it, hot.”

“Daan, I can’t leave that in the video,” he said laughing but secretly enjoying the floods of compliments he was getting.

“Shit yeah, I forgot we were filming for a second. No more compliments from me,” Dan muttered as he messed with his fringe with a slight embarrassment.

They continued the video, trying on a lot of outfits and safe to say Dan had to bite his tongue a lot before complimenting Phil with more than a “they suit you” otherwise they would have never finished this video.


	10. lately i've been craving more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up, ive been working on my new multi-chapter fic, truth ran wild. check it out if you wanna have a more intense slow burn fic than this uwu

It started to creep up to the Christmas season and that meant one thing, more Youtube gatherings and parties if that’s what you wanted to call them. Dan and Phil weren’t exactly anti-social and they did enjoy a good party every now and then but since the breakthrough in their relationship, still undefined, they just wanted to be in the comfort of their alone time.

It was nothing against their friends or the creative Youtube spaces they had found themselves involved in because they loved everything about it, but they just found a constant desire to be close to one another – something they would not be able to do at a Youtube party. They weren’t even sure how they defined what was going on themselves, why would anyone know just yet?

Alas, they had a party coming up in at Youtube headquarters in London and they couldn’t not go. It would raise suspicion especially due to their branding of never having plans. They didn’t want to raise questions.

Dan spent the entire morning sulking over having to get ready to go to a party and Phil tried super hard to not agree with Dan’s reasoning when in theory, all he wanted to do was cuddle up on the sofa and make out, something they hadn’t really done yet. They hadn’t gone further from a passionate long smooch because it was scary, it was new. It wasn’t scary in the fact that they were learning about each other, they knew each other far too well, they just didn’t want to overstep and push one another.

Dan showered and Phil took this opportunity to scroll through Tumblr, seeing fanart that was super cute. Someone had drawn Dan and Phil at a house party making out in a broom closet and Phil thought it was hilarious that that fan knew a little bit too much. Once Dan finished in the shower, he gave Phil a shout to hop in whilst he got changed.

Phil showered and left the bathroom to a half-naked Dan, in a black and white plaid shirt and Calvin Klein boxers. Dan should have known what he was doing to Phil but it was an innocent situation that they had always found themselves in, being roommates for years.

“Does this shirt look alright?”

Dan was met with a brief nod from Phil and then smiled. Phil carried on into his room to get changed and Dan followed, “So, this with an easy pair of black skinny jeans, yeah? I don’t wanna go over the top but I wanna at least make an effort.”

“Dan, you’d look great if you turned up on a bin bag,” Phil smirked after rushing to put boxers and his black jeans on, so he was not completely naked in front of Dan.

Dan smile grew wider as he broke the distance and placed his lips lightly on Phil’s, and wrapped his hands around Phil’s naked waist, Phil matching as he snaked his arm around Dan’s hips to hold onto them slightly. The kiss grew passionate and wet after a while but they both sharply declined it, as they knew _not to go further just yet_.

“Philly, you better not be wearing that to the party, you’ll be cold and I’m not warming you up in public just yet,” Dan chuckled as he left the room to continue getting ready for the party.

There was something about the  _just yet_ that sent a shiver down Phil’s spine. It was almost like Dan was confirming that this wasn’t just a fling and he was in it for the long haul. He wanted to go public with their whatever-you-would-call-it relationship soon and that made Phil metaphorically melt into a pool on the floor.

 

~~~~~~

 

They make it to the party a little later than everyone else which isn’t too far from normal for them, they were always late and no one bothered to question where they were until they arrived and everyone suddenly noticed.

“Dan! Phil!” Louise gasped as if she was surprised they were coming even though she invited them, and she walked towards them opening her arms for an embrace which of course they both met. They had a three-way hug which was weird by anyone's standards and left a raised eyebrow on Louise’s face but they just laughed it off and continued catching up.

They made the rounds of the party, saying hello to Zoe and Alfie, PJ and Chris. They never once left each other's side which again, wasn’t unusual for a large Youtube party together, they were an item without necessarily being a romantic item. It wasn’t until PJ grabbed Dan by the hand and carted him off somewhere without Phil that they parted and Phil was left talking to Chris and Zoe about their upcoming world tour and some small spoilery ideas they had for it, getting laughs from the pair of them.

“There’s quite literally going to be a tad amount of BDSM on the stage, as much as legally allowed to be shown,” Phil laughed, quickly joined by Zoe in hysterics.

“I can’t believe you’re doing that. You and Dan are such an iconic friendship,” Zoe responded as she nudged into his shoulder.

The conversation soon died down and Phil found an excuse to leave them to get a drink. He still couldn’t place PJ or Dan and he wasn’t sure where to begin to look for them but he wasn’t all too bothered, he trusted that Dan would return to him at some point.

Getting one of the strongest alcoholic drinks the bar had on offer for himself and a spare for Dan for when he returned, he glanced around the party hall, seeing couples all over the place. It wasn’t unusual for creators to bring their partners so again, it wasn’t too weird for alcohol and couples to mix into ramped public displays of affection on the dance floor. Phil always found it weird but it was almost like he finally understood it.

Watching this random guy and girl, who he had never seen before, intertwined bodies and mouths, it made him a little jealous. He wanted that and he couldn’t keep his eyes off of them, not in a creepy way in a completely envious way. He felt shivers down his spine when he wanted anxious hands wandering over the guy’s body and he imagined doing that to Dan.

And that’s when he was overcome with lust and passion, that he had to find Dan. God knows where Dan was but he needed to find him, he wanted to take their whatever-you’d-call-it relationship to the next level right now.

Phil left the two glasses on the side of the bar as he walked at a brisk pace out of the room, approaching the door. Opening the door, it felt lighter than usual and that was because it was also being opened by Dan on his return. They were both startled for a second, greeting each other with a bare laugh until Phil grabbed Dan’s wrist (his hand would have been far too bold for a party with everyone they knew) and said,

“You’re coming with me.”

Dan gulped at the bluntness of Phil’s voice and could only muster a, “What?” in response that was soon ignored by Phil.

Seeing the bathroom completely unoccupied and no one around, Phil darted into the room with Dan shortly following, locking the door.

“Phil-,” Dan exclaimed as he was silenced by Phil’s lips being pressed against him with an enormous amount of pressure, with a hand worming its way around Dan’s neck. A new level of pressure that they both hadn’t encountered before. A  ** _I need you now_** pressure.

Phil pushed Dan’s back up against the bathroom door as he closed the remaining amount of distance between them, resting his chest against Dan’s. Dan’s hands wander from Phil’s waist, where they rested when the kissing started, to his shoulders, fingers rolling over Phil’s back. Phil trembles at the touch and they are both very obviously fully clothed but they have not done anything more than slow passionate kisses before now so having Dan in such an intimate situation like this, has him more built up than he has ever been in his life.

“God I needed this,” Dan allowed escape his lips as he broke away from Phil’s for a split second, returning instantly.

Every single touch is making Phil fight off a moan, especially when Dan’s hand wanders across Phil’s belt band on his jeans and fumbles with his jean zip. They hadn’t discussed him and as much as Phil VERY clearly wanted it, he wasn’t going to get his first sexual experience from Dan in the bathroom of a Youtube creator space.

Phil grabs Dan’s hand from undoing his jeans completely and pins them just above Dan’s hand, asserting dominance in such a calm manner. Dan groans into Phil’s mouth continuing the kiss, which displays how much Dan wants to go further just as much as Phil. But not here.

Biting Dan’s lip lightly, Phil breaks away from the kiss, placing delicate kisses on Dan’s jawline, feeling an intense smile emerge on Dan’s face.

“Let’s go back downstairs.”


	11. its been a wild but i still feel the same

Going out with each other to Youtuber parties are fun and all, but nothing quite compared to spending time alone together in the flat, at least this was according to Phil. He couldn’t speak for Dan but the way Dan was laying all over Phil, it was clear he was thinking the same way too.

They always watched their morning anime binge the same way. Phil prepared their breakfast, cereal with a mug of coffee, whilst Dan prepared what they were going to watch, usually an anime that they had totally received legally. They ate their breakfast together, far too close to one another, and watched the show. Thighs pressed up against the other’s and shoulders touching ever so slightly, any form of personal space was gone.

And that’s how they both liked it. They both made no attempt to move away because the intimate level of affection was wanted by both of them because they couldn’t do it outside the safety of their little love den. Not that either of them was afraid, it was just that this was fresh and new and they definitely didn’t want to share it with their viewers, not now anyway.

“Can’t believe we’ve just binged almost an entire season of Sword Art Online this week,” Dan chuckled as he lifted himself up off of the sofa, and Phil’s lap, to take the empty breakfast bowls to the kitchen. He returned just as Phil delivers a response.

“It’s not that many episodes surely.”

Dan returned to his original and usual position on the sofa, ass right next to Phil’s and shoulders touching, and brought Phil into a cuddle, wrapping his arm around the back of Phil.

“What do you want to do today?” Phil exclaimed as he pressed continue so the next episode began rolling through the television, pulling Dan in closer.

“I have an idea,” Dan smirked as he lifted his head to meet Phil’s, not kissing him straight away but just looking at Phil, as if to wait for a rejection. There wasn’t one.

Dan kissed him until both of their mouths felt almost sore, lips damp with the sound of Japanese men fighting in the background. Dan’s straddled Phil’s lap throughout the majority of this kiss, neither of them knowing at what moment did Dan climb on but they were both aware of Dan’s gentle rubbing into Phil’s trousers, with his own crotch.

When Dan eventually pulled back, he rested his forehead against Phil’s, eyes shut but there was still passion there. Wanting to go further but both being far too scared. There was something bothering him and Phil could notice.

“Hey, you okay?”

Dan nods.

“Clearly a lie,” Phil broke out a light chuckle as he pushed back to get a clearer look at Dan, being that close wasn’t easy to notice how someone was feeling.

Gliding his fingers just over Dan’s back contently, Phil waited for a response, if he was even getting on.

“I’ve been thinking,”

“Painful?”

Dan laughed, the first time Phil realised there was nothing to worry about. “I want this to be more, you know?”

“I know. I’m the same.”

“Are you?” Dan raised his eyebrow slightly, opening his eyes to look directly at Phil this time. This conversation could easily be misinterpreted as the _will you be my boyfriend?_  conversation or the _wanna fuck?!_ conversation so Dan wanted to be clear here. But clear communication wasn’t either of their strong points, given how long they took to admit feelings.

Dan continued, “Get your mind out of the gutter! I meant something else!”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Dan chuckled lightly, allowing Phil to clearly see his anxiety.

“I do know you mean, Dan. And I want that too. I want nothing more.”

“Really?” Dan looked up and smiled. He really liked that he didn’t have to say it because Phil already knew. It proved him right that they had this undeniable connection.

Dan had an unbelievably cheesy grin on his face as he leant in and placed three short but sweet kiss on Phil’s lips and Phil continued to say what he knew Dan was too scared to.

“So I guess we should make this official? Do you wanna be, I don’t know, boyfriends?” Phil stuttered. “You know if that’s what you mean. If not forget I said anything.”

Phil didn’t know it was possible for Dan’s smile to get any bigger than he saw it just a few minutes ago but it did and Phil knew it was because of his question.

“Dan?”

Dan didn’t respond straight away, but instead, he closed the distance between him and Phil once again and locked lips, this time way more passionate than the previous time. Like it was going somewhere.

“Of course, Philly.”

With this, they were both surged with an immediate desire to have the other person. Interlocking limbs once again, there was now a feeling there that was different. It felt like commitment.

Phil was overwhelmed with the love and affection he was getting from Dan. He couldn’t breathe as he was so engulfed. So distracted by this attention that he didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know where his hands were wandering or where they were headed and so much so that he wasn’t aware of what escaped his lips until it was too late.

“I love you, Dan.”

And there it was. _FUCK_. He breathed into Dan’s hair, kissing the top of his head afterwards, joining back into only a cuddle.

And then silence lingered. It suffocated him for a short while and Phil tried to push it off because he didn’t mean to say it to Dan, right now. Sure he felt it and knew he loved him but he didn’t  _mean_ to announce it, especially not just as they become official.

Dan finally looked up, meeting Phil’s nervous gaze finally. Dan locked his lips onto Phil’s and kissed away his thoughts, the kiss enabled Phil to quit worrying about the not returned I-love-you because he knew deep down how Dan felt about him and he definitely didn’t need the official words to know that.

But in the back of Phil’s mind, unbelievably far in the back of his mind, it lingered. The thought of how Dan didn’t immediately or at all announce his love for Phil, it bothered him. But he wasn’t going to let it ruin their first night as official boyfriends.


	12. maybe i should let you go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologises for the long wait for this chapter. i wrote 3 chapters in one sitting a few days ago and my laptop didn't save them, and i was so pissed i refused to write anything for a few days but here i am!

The rest of their days for the next few weeks were spent cuddling up on the sofa, eating one too many takeaways and definitely not thinking about how Phil said he loved Dan and Dan didn’t say anything in return. It was truly amazing and more often than not, Phil didn’t think about the thing lingering in his head. It bothered him but not enough to talk about it.

He got it. Phil was always the one in his relationships that caught feelings first, fell in love first and fell out of love first. It was always like that so it doesn’t make sense for him to think anything differently about Dan’s lack of vocal feelings. Dan shows how he feels about Phil every second of the day with his attention and affection, so why isn’t that enough?

Phil was lying down in bed when he came to conclusion to ask Dan out on a date. Nothing special. An innocent little dinner date and then come back home to cuddle on the sofa. Nothing special.

Phil quickly booked a table for two at their local Bella Italia without asking Dan. He wanted it to be a surprise. He knew Dan wouldn’t mind and wouldn’t need any time to get ready because he was out with PJ filming a collab video in the middle of London. He would have had to come home and get changed and that’s all.

They had never been on a date before this point because of obsessive phangirls. They could barely leave the house without bumping into at least a handful of viewers who wanted photos and tried really hard to not scream into their faces, but they always failed.

Shortly after Phil booked the table for their date, there was a loud slam coming from their front door and he knew Dan had just arrived back home. He didn’t hesitate before running out of his room into the hallway to greet Dan with a passionate hug.

“Hi!” Dan laughed into their warm embrace and didn’t let go for at least a minute. See, Phil didn’t need actual words to know how Dan truly felt about Phil and their relationship. He found out about it through actions and that should be enough.

“Go and get changed, Dan,” Phil muttered as he let go of Dan, looking into those honey glazed eyes that he was so fond of but all he saw was confusion. “We’re going on a date!”

Suddenly the confused eyes and wrinkled brow that was placed upon Dan’s face disappeared and all that was found in its place was warmth. Warm eyes and a smile spreading from ear to ear. Phil knew he made the right choice.

They separated into their own rooms to get changed, but not before Phil was given the most exciting kiss he has ever received. Maybe Dan was getting annoyed over the fact they were too scared to not go on dates and Dan wanted to go on a date just as much as Phil?

Phil didn’t waste any time getting ready. He put on a white shirt with the occasional bee splattered across the chest and his nicest pair of black skinny jeans. It was a date but it was obviously going to be slightly casual, just in case they bumped into some viewers. There was no way they could pass off a date as just two friends hanging out if they were in their fanciest clothes.

Phil lay on his bed for half an hour before ordering an Uber, giving Dan a chance to get ready. Once he got the call from the Uber to say it was less than five minutes away, he jogged briskly to Dan’s bedroom and knocked.

“Are you ready?” Phil exclaimed as he opened the door ajar to see Dan standing in front of his window, using the lighting to the best of his ability to take a nice selfie. Typical Dan. He was wearing his black and white plaid long shirt, almost like a dress, and black skinny jeans with rips in the knees and upper thigh. He looked stunning, so Phil thought.

Dan nodded and ushered for Phil to come close to him, wrapping his arm around Phil’s waist and taking a selfie with Phil.

“This isn’t obviously going to do anywhere where our fans can see but I want to remember our first proper date,” Dan sighed under his breath and Phil could tell both how nervous Dan was to do this and how excited he was, all in one breath.

“Ok well, the Uber is here so shall we go, my lady?” Phil joked and it received a breathy laugh from Dan.

They took the stairs down to meet the Uber and Phil held the taxi door open for Dan as Dan got in, shortly followed by Phil. Phil reached for Dan’s hand and they were grateful that the taxi driver didn’t recognise them so they were able to at least act like a normal couple on the way to the restaurant.

In reality, they didn’t need a taxi to get to Bella Italia, they could have walked, but a taxi felt more dates to Phil so he chose that. He wanted this day to feel as romantic as any other couple would have, he was allowed as much.

Phil really wanted tonight to go well. They went inside and the girl at the front desk ushered them to their table, which was at the back of the restaurant like Phil requested over the phone.

“You really do look nice tonight, Dan,” Phil muttered into their menu, eyeing Dan slightly and it would be easy for Dan to assume that Phil was just saying that to be nice, but with the way Phil was flushed, Dan must have known he was telling the truth.

“You look okay, I guess,” Dan said softly, but pairing it with a smirk. It was a joke compliment but that didn’t mean that Phil didn’t feel it spread across his cheeks.

Phil gently kicked Dan from under the table as a way of saying thank you but also how rude of you to say I guess. They lock their ankles under the table and Phil counted his blessings that they actually got the table at the back so no one could see it clearly.

He also realised that they hadn’t bumped into a single viewer since they hopped out of the taxi, or if they had, the viewer hadn’t stopped to speak to them. He counted his blessings for a second time.

The date flew by without a mistake. It was full of lingering eye contact, smiles and blushing but that’s what first dates were like when you were hopelessly in love with your partner, right? Not that Phil knew that was how Dan felt because he said  _nothing_ of the sort.

Phil thought the date would have reaffirmed the thoughts his logic side of the brain was giving him, but instead, the anxiety/overthinking side of the brain was just fed more and more lies about how Dan truly felt. Phil felt like the date was a mistake in that sense because he felt like a bottle of coke that had been shaken and shaken until it exploded, and Phil exploded.

Phil snapped when they got home.

“Had a really good night,” Dan announces as he fell back down on the sofa, kicking his shoes off in the process, looking at Phil expecting him to return the comment. But when Phil just nodded lightheartedly, Dan knew something was up.

“Phil?”

“Hm?”

“Are you good?”

Phil nodded again. And this only deepened the frown placed on Dan’s face and that kinda broke Phil. He didn’t want to be the reason why Dan was frowning.

“Phil-“

“What?”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“There clearly is.”

“Nope.”

“Phil-“

“Hm.”

“Phiiiiillllllll.”

Phil didn’t respond.

“For god sake Phil I’m not exactly going to stop until you tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“There is!”

“Not.”

Dan proceeded to break the distance between both him and Phil on the sofa and their entire bodies were touching as Dan looked confused into Phil’s eyes but Phil didn’t meet him.

Dan prodded Phil’s stomach with a single finger and whilst Phil usually reacted to this, he didn’t this time. It actually frustrated him a lot and that’s when he snapped.

“I’m bothered.”

“By?”

“Y-you know when you lay yourself on the line for someone. And you confess all your feelings to someone you think would supposedly feel the same way as you. And you get nothing. It’s heartbreaking.”

Phil met Dan’s eyes finally and he didn’t think it was possible for a face to frown anymore but apparently Dan’s did and his mouth was wide open as if to say anything but nothing came out. Not for a few minutes. Until finally.

“I don’t understand what you me-“

“I think you do.”

“Trust me I don’t. And I want to fix this so please.”

Phil had already snapped at this point but he deeply regretted it. Seeing how Dan reacted to an issue as minor as Dan not returning his vocal acts of love made Phil feel a little stupid and immature but it was too late to back out now.

“I said I loved you the other day and I got absolutely nothing in return.”

Dan's eyes widened as he turned to meet Phil's intense gaze. He couldn’t quite tell what emotions Dan was feeling in that moment. One second they were filled with surprise, and then they met anger and now they just like some emotion Phil has never seen on Dan before.

The silence evaporated the air around them both. It was almost killing Phil. He wanted to hear Dan say something, anything but that wasn’t happening anytime soon. Phil opened his mouth as if to take everything back and pretend this didn’t happen but before he had a chance, Dan replied.

“I don’t understand. You know how much a big deal love is for me. I don’t just want to throw it around,” Dan huffed into his hands, that were now covering his eyes, elbows on his knees. “I know I feel a lot towards you but I don’t want to tell you I love you if I’m not 100% sure I mean it, Phil.”

“Okay I get th-“ Phil was suddenly cut off by the realisation that Dan wasn’t finished.

“I’ve been surrounded by fake love my entire life. From my family, my friends, people I was supposed to trust and I just didn’t want this to be another one of those moments. I want to mean it, Phil. I’ve spoken about that enough I thought you’d understand.”

Phil took in every one of his words, so much so he didn’t notice Dan had left the room once he finished. Phil knew he was being an idiot and that Dan was right and valid in how he was feeling. Phil didn’t want to push him to say that he loved him and he felt that he was now attempting that and he wanted to apologise.

Phil followed Dan into his room, where he was met with Dan turning on his computer on the infamous butt chair. It seemed like he wasn’t getting a conversation out of Dan now but he tried anyway.

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be angry but you can see why it’s upsetting, right?”

Silence lingered more than it ever had and for some reason, all Phil could feel was more pain than before. He caused this silence.

"Look," Dan said eventually, "I'm going to sleep."

Dan stood up from his chair and ushered Phil to leave his room.

“But you – you sleep in my room now.”

“Well, now I’m sleeping here.”

“Dan please don’t do this, I said I’m sorry.”

“I just need to breathe and think. And you need to clear your head too. It’ll only be for tonight.”

“I don't want us to go sleep like this though, Dan,” Phil pleaded. He was never a man to go to sleep on an argument.

“Please, Phil. Just let me sleep here tonight, I won’t be able to think in your room.”

"Can't you just-"

"No."

Dan slammed his bedroom door Phil's face and Phil heard the lock, the lock they have never used, turn on Dan’s door.

Phil ran back into his room and catapulted himself onto the bed. He really fucked up tonight.


	13. give a little time to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok ok ok i haven't updated this for the LONGEST time but im back. i found little to no interest in writing anything other than my other fic (truth ran wild) and now my interest is back and im ready to finish this fic !

Phil woke up with a sore head and a sore heart. He wasn’t being overly dramatic but he felt like he deserved it. He was such a dick. He knew deep down that Dan probably wasn’t ready to say I love you to him, and that should be okay – people figure out their feelings far quicker than other people, Phil just happened to figure them out quicker.

Phil wanted to get out of bed and walk into Dan’s room and talk this out, but he knew what Dan was like in arguments. He knew Dan was a little stubborn shit and he would rather sulk in his room for a few days and then he would come out and be able to construct a valid conversation with Phil.

Phil couldn’t wait.

He pushed the duvet off his body, resulting in exposing his poor choice of pyjamas for the night. At least maybe they would get a laugh out of Dan.

He padded out of his room and down the hallway, right in front of Dan’s room. He thought about just walking straight in but he didn’t want to overstep today, today of all days. So he knocked instead.

After waiting a few seconds and getting no reaction, he began to open the door to Dan’s bedroom and he was greeted with a groan.

“When someone ignores your efforts to speak to them, it doesn’t mean come in anyway,” Dan said muffled by a pillow, Phil can only assume. There was a few seconds silence where Phil could only hear clothes ruffling coming from the other side of the door, and then he was met with a groan, again and again, a muffled “come in”.

Phil didn’t hesitate as soon as he heard those words and he pushed the door in further to expose the rest of the room and Dan. Dan was sat on his butt desk chair in grey sweatpants and a Muse tour t-shirt from a few years ago, maybe 2010 – the first year they went to see Muse together.

Dan’s staring Phil down at this point, his eyes pierced the side of Phi’s face as he sat down on the edge of Dan’s bed, the bed he wished he could share. After a few painstaking minutes, Dan finally shrugged and turned around to turn his desktop computer on.

“Dan?”

“Oh you wanted to speak, you were just sitting there?” Dan said, whilst not changing his position or even remotely looking at Phil.

“I wanted you to speak first,” Phil muttered, as he messed with the hem of his nightshirt.

“What is there to say?”

“Dan-“

“No seriously,” Dan finally span around on his chair, to look at Phil. “What is there?”

“I wanted to apolo-“

“No bother.”

“What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t matter, you don’t need to apologise.”

“I do.”

“Not.”

There was another silence that Phil hated. He hated that Dan didn’t want to speak to him because he wanted to speak to Dan. He wanted to say all about how he loved him and he didn’t care if he wasn’t ready to say it yet. He would give it time because Dan was worth it.

With a heavy sigh, Phil got up and it was an attempt to move closer to Dan to speak properly, in a way that meant Dan couldn’t ignore him or brush him off but before he had the chance, Dan opened his mouth.

“Shut the door on your way out.”

So Phil left all of his plans behind Dan and walked out of his room.

 

~~~~~~

 

Dan sat at his desk for hours editing videos that were just sat waiting on his computer for months. He hadn’t touched them and present Dan is grateful it gave him something to do. He didn’t want to leave his room and face Phil and he certainly didn’t want to be left alone with his thoughts to think about Phil.

Deep down he knew Phil did nothing wrong. He lay himself on the line to confess his feelings for Dan, twice, and Dan fucked it up both times. It’s understandable. But Dan knew he was understandable why he had anxiety around relationships, particularly not straight ones.

Dan knew they had to talk about this and Dan had to explain his nervousness more thoroughly but the truth is he was stubborn. Unbelievably so. He needed time to sulk before he spoke to Phil.

He was still also a little bit angry about the whole ordeal so he continued to sit in his room for longer than he should have, editing.

It wasn’t until it got to the evening that he realised he hadn’t eaten, and desperately needed to. So he got up out of his desk chair, stretching slightly so his limps actually work after being stuck in the same position for over six hours. He padded out of his room, opening the door to silence, and carrying on down the hallway to the kitchen.

Absolute silence. Phil isn’t around. Where is Phil?

Dan shook his head in annoyance, why does Phil always turn up in his head when he least expects it? He didn’t want Phil in his head right now, the last thing he wanted.

He managed to cook up some leftover Chinese food that they had in the fridge from a few nights ago and he made his way to the dining table and switched on the television. Flicking through the channels, he couldn’t take his mind off of Phil.

Where is he? Why isn’t he at home, with Dan? Is he _that_ pissed off with him? What’s he thinking right now?

Dan could text him but that would require allowing Phil to care. So he doesn’t.

He sits at home watching a random show about old couples who want to buy a holiday home abroad and tries not to think about Phil. It doesn’t work though. Because all he does is think about the stupid quiff Phil has and how he’s growing it out and growing it out means his roots are a cooper shade. All he thought about is how attractive Phil looks in glasses and how he looks when he’s stayed up far too late watching Brooklyn Nine Nine.

 

~~~~~~

 

Phil didn’t know how he got there but he ended up right in front of his brother’s house the other side of London. He couldn’t spend more than a second in their home together without sulking.

He knew that the issue would probably be resolved soon but he couldn’t bear to wait.

He texted Martyn as soon as he left Dan’s bedroom and packed an overnight bag as quickly as possible. He booked an Uber within the hour and left Dan alone. He knew Dan needed time to cool.

And that’s how he was sat on the sofa in his brother’s home, with Cornelia bringing him a hot chocolate with three sugars.

“Do you want to talk about it, love?”

Phil didn’t look up from the mug in his hand, because the truth is he didn’t want to speak about it. Not one bit.

“I’m sure everything is fine. Friends have arguments all the time,” Cornelia continued, sipping her own hot chocolate. Friends, of course. No one knew yet that Dan and Phil were more than friends.

Phil truly didn’t want to speak about it so he did the only thing he knew to do in this situation, to deflect. “Where’s Martyn?”

“He’s just in the office finishing his work, you know how it is.”

Phil nodded.

They sat there in silence for god knows how long before Martyn came padding through the lounge with his own half empty hot chocolate. They – they being Cornelia and Martyn – sat and spoke about their workload for a while and Phil just listened as he tried to desperately not think about Dan.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments make me happy uwu


	14. or burn this out

Phil woke up in a house that was not his. Phil woke up in a bed that was not his either. He opened his eyes and started to panic and that was until he realised he was in Martyn’s house, where he came to get away from Dan and the argument.

He was lucky to have some form of sleep because up until the moment he fell asleep and as soon as he woke up, the only thing that was on his mind was Dan. He wondered what Dan was doing right now, whether he was doing the same thing that Phil was doing right now.

Phil didn’t want to leave the bed any earlier than he needed to but he didn’t want to overstay his welcome. He knew Martyn and Cornelia loved having him stay but anything over a night was a bit too much. He had to go back home, to Dan, to speak to him and maybe resolve the issue.

As he leapt out of bed and padded towards the lounge, he was greeted with Cornelia who was surprising all ready for the day considering it was just after 9am.

“Coffee?” Cornelia said as she grabbed the kettle in one hand, steaming away, to poor water into three individual mugs. Phil nodded and grabbed the coffee mug as soon as it was filled.

“We just wanted to say you’re allowed to stay here for as long as you want,” she said as she picked up her own mug and took a sip, grimacing due to the heat. “But you do want to go back home as soon as possible to sort this out, you know?”

“I k-know. It’s just,” Phil sighed. He couldn’t talk to Cornelia about this but he wanted to, so bad. “Difficult.”

“Difficult?”

“Dan’s stubborn as hell.”

To that Cornelia laughed, if anyone who knew Dan could say anything about him, it would be that he was stubborn.

“I’m sure you’ll be able to speak to him in no time, he just needs time to breathe.”

“What if he doesn’t want to speak to me?”

“Why wouldn’t he?”

“I fucked up.”

“Friends always have arguments.”

“Friends,” Phil muttered under his breath. He was far too quiet so he assumed Cornelia missed the sarcastic tone in his voice but she didn’t.

“What do you mean?” she said casually as she took another sip of her coffee, and sat down beside Phil on the breakfast bar stools. She didn’t take his eyes off of him for a second.

Phil shook his head almost instinctively as if to deny any the question. What was he supposed to say? Phil and Dan decided to keep it undercover until they both were comfortable so he was not about to tell Cornelia and betray Dan’s trust like that.

When he looked up to see what Cornelia was doing, he was met with her eyes heavily scrutinising him. Almost like she was looking straight through him and realising what he had met by the sarcastic ‘friends’.

“I guess friends do, but this was different.”

“Different, how?” Cornelia hummed again, still keeping the heavy scrutinising gaze directly onto Phil and Phil didn’t ignore that, but didn’t comment on it because commenting on it led to discussions and those were discussions Phil wasn’t ready to have yet, at least not without Dan.

“Nothing. Nevermind, you’re right. It’s probably just a normal friend argument.”

 

~~~~~~

 

Dan woke up in the place he fell asleep that night, not his bed. He was in Phil’s bedroom, in Phil’s bed. If Dan was asked, he wasn’t going to say that it was because he missed Phil, but that was exactly the reason why he found himself waking up in the blue and green checkerboard bedding surrounded by dozens of Pokemon plushies and colourful knick-knacks.

He turned around to lie on his side, towards the door, wrapping up a bundle of the duvet under his arms and sighed. He just wanted to go back to the days, before Phil brought up Dan’s ability to share his feelings, where they were both finding themselves in bed together – all cuddled up, joining two bodies into one. But it wasn’t that simple because Phil wasn’t there, in their home that they had built together.

He rolled over to face the other side and darted his gaze to the nightstand, where Phil’s contact lens solution and pot where kept. It was clear that Phil wasn’t intending to be away from their home for too long, Dan liked to think anyway. He wouldn’t spend more than a day maximum in his glasses, he was going to return home at least to pick him his contacts and maybe Dan would talk to Phil.

Maybe.

Dan spent god knows how long in Phil’s bed tossing and turning until he heard a faint key rattling in the main door to the flat. He panicked because he knew that was Phil but he was in Phil’s bed, after having an argument with Phil.

 

~~~~~~

 

Phil placed his forehead against the front door of his home – his shared home with Dan – and sighed. He wanted everything to be okay again but he didn’t know how. He didn’t want to walk into the flat and feel the negative energy that was definitely going to be there because Dan was sat stewing all evening and morning over the argument.

But Phil couldn’t put it off any longer; he placed the key in the slot and turned, pushing the door as he did so. He was exposed to the energy of the flat but he felt no negativity. He didn’t feel anything in fact.

He made his way through the hallway, taking his shoes off at the door and dropping his jacket on the hooks just above his shoes. He padded a few steps until he was outside Dan’s room, the door shut.

He pressed his ear upon the door and heard nothing. Maybe Dan was still asleep? He thought.

He continued walking down the hall and stopped outside of his own room because he could hear noises coming from it.

Frowning slightly, he pushed the door open and saw Dan lifting himself up off of Phil’s bed and staring at him, point blank.

They locked eyes for what felt hours, but probably wasn’t any longer than a few seconds, until Dan looked away down at his feet and shuffled.

“Hello?”

“I was just putting some washing on your bed,” Dan muttered as he slid past Phil and bolted to his own room, with red eyes and in his pyjamas.

Phil entered his room and grabbed his contact lenses and just before he headed to the bathroom to use the mirror to put his lenses in, to vacate the glasses he hated, he looked at his bed. There was absolutely no sign of any washing on his bed, and in fact no washing anywhere.

He shook his head, not dreaming of overthinking the situation, and headed to the bathroom.

 

~~~~~~

 

Dan made it to this room with no hesitation and shut the door behind him, rolling down the door on his back so he was sitting on the floor. He didn’t want to cry but he sure as hell felt like it.

He thought as soon as he could see Phil in the flesh he would be able to speak to him and try to move on from the argument they had, but he just couldn’t. It was like his mouth was sewn shut and he wasn’t able to breathe.

He wasn’t like he wanted to prolong the argument, he’s pretty sure he hated it just as much as Phil. He missed him. He missed joking along with him.

So he did the one thing he knew best. He scrambled for his phone that was placed on his nightstand, untouched from the morning after the argument, and text the only person who could have helped fix this.

 

**Text Message From Dan:**

_Can you come into my room? We need to talk x_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa there's only two chapters left of this !! my first slow burn chaptered fic is coming to an end


	15. we'll play hide and seek to turn this around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's only one chapter left after this???! im so excited and shocked that its p much over??

Phil grabbed his phone quicker than he ever thought he would. Once he heard it buzz, he thought he would have the opportunity to be distracted from the Dan situation that he doesn’t want to speak about right now.

What he didn’t expect was a text from the situation he was desperately trying to get a distraction from.

 

**Text Message From Dan:**

_Can you come into my room? We need to talk x_

 

 _We need to talk?!_ What does that even mean, Phil thought to himself as he stared at the phone screen, tapping on the edge of his phone out of nerves. Of course, he wanted to speak to Dan but he didn’t think he was quite prepared for The Talk™.

What did Dan want to speak about? Was it to brush whatever they had under the rug before it had even started?

Phil didn’t want to brush it under the rug. Phil wanted to talk about it, yes but only to settle things.

But he had the desire to please. This unnerving desire to please. So he breathed in for a few seconds and hit send on a reply to Dan.

 

**Reply to Dan:**

_I’ll come in 5 x_

 

~~~~~~

 

Dan saw the reply that he got from Phil and sighed in relief when he noticed the kiss and knew that he hadn’t completely fucked up, because if he had, Phil would have sent a much meaner text in response.

Dan barely had time to prepare because before he knew it, there was a knock at his bedroom door and a thud in his heart.

“Come in.”

And so he did. Before he knew it, he was sat on his bed with Phil staring right back at him holding onto the door, hesitant to let himself close it and assumedly, be in the same room as Dan.

“I wanted to ta-“

“I know.”

“Okay,” Dan replied quickly. “So can we?”

“It depends.”

“On?”

“What about.”

“About us?”

“Thought as much,” Phil tutted.

“Jesus Christ, Phil, why are you being so difficult?” Dan raised his voice slightly as he stood up from the bed, meeting Phil in the middle of his room.

“I’m not.” Phil raised his voice equally as loud.

“You are.”

“Not.”

“This is exactly that,” He sighed, resting his hand on his forehead in annoyance.

Phil sighed in response and darted his gaze to the butt chair at Dan’s desk. He padded over to sit down so he wasn’t hovering and causing both him and Dan unnecessary anxiety.

“I’m sorry,” Phil muttered under his breath.

“I should be saying that,” Dan replied, almost in the same mutter.

“Why?”

“Because I was an idiot.”

“You were not, Dan. I was. I shouldn’t have been pushing you.”

“I needed the push,”

“Huh?” Phil hummed in confusion.

“Because Phil,” Dan stuttered, pushing all of his anxiety and overthinking thoughts aside for one second, for Phil. “I want this. I want you and the way you feel, is how I feel too, but I was too scared to admit it.”

“You shouldn’t have had to admit it.”

“But I want to.”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Phil. A lot. It’s not admitting it, it’s allowing myself to be honest,” Dan said as carefree as he possibly could, even though the anxiety was bubbling away. “I deserve to be honest. I’ve been hiding my feelings for far too long and I think I was only scared because every relationship around me has broken apart but I know you’re not like that.”

“I know we’re not like that.”

“We won’t. I know we can make anything work.”

And just like that, Dan seemed to realise that he had closed any remaining distance between him and Phil. He chuckled under his breath because wow, that somehow happened and neither of them realised until they were both practically becoming one person.

It was almost like Phil realised the same time as Dan because they both did chesty chuckles as they looked at each other in the other’s eyes.

Dan was the one to do it. He closed any remaining gap in between them both and locked lips, hands placed upon Phil’s shoulders. He kissed Phil lightly, making sure to take his time because he knew he had it. He had a lifetime of this for as long as Phil would let him, and thinking that just now didn’t make him scared for once.

He dragged his hand from Phil’s shoulders down to his waist and laced his finger in his belt loops. He instantly pulled Phil closer to Dan’s body, if that were impossible, and deepened the kiss. The kiss wasn’t a kiss that you could tell was going anywhere even though they both wanted it to do so, it was a kiss that showed trust and warmth.

Phil was the one who pulled away first, much to Dan’s disappointment that he vocalised with a pitiful whine, although no actual annoyance was in his tone.

“I didn’t tell you that I loved you too,” Phil smiled widely, nuzzling his nose into Dan’s.

“Oh, do you?” Dan said playfully as he wrapped his fingers more tightly around Phil’s belt loop, making sure to keep him as close as possible, making sure Phil knew exactly how much Dan wanted him and _this_.

“Maybe a little bit.”


	16. give me love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's taken me far too long to finish this fic! ive had uni and a lot of shit going down in life that it's taken me a hot minute, and when i have had time, i wanted to focus on writing my other fic truth ran wild

Phil would be lying if he said his heart still didn’t flutter from the night before. Dan had confessed that he was, in fact, feeling the exact same way as Phil and that he wanted to try properly this time. That’s all Phil had wanted, was honesty but definitely in Dan’s own time. Nothing rushed or forced. So this was perfect.

Phil would be lying if he said his body wasn’t still tingling from Dan’s touch. The way his lips lingered for far too long against Phil’s own lips, traced along his collarbones and exploring every inch of Phil’s body.

His breath still hitched and his heart still raced thinking about it.

And that’s why he was lying in his bed with nothing but his duvet to stop him from being completely exposed and naked, with a beautiful brown-eyed boy asleep on his side.

He couldn’t quite believe it.

Less than twenty-four hours ago he woke up in a bed that wasn’t his, heartbroken and confused about where to go from here. And now, he woke up in a bed that definitely was his, full of warmth and love, arms wrapped around the man he loved.

It was almost like Phil had shaken him awake himself just by breathing because as soon as Phil woke up, Dan began to stir. It was almost like they were made for each other.

“Good morning,” Dan yawned as he stretched his limbs and curled right back into Phil’s side, where he belonged.

“Morning you,” Phil replied as he pressed a series of soft kisses into Dan’s hair and rubbed circles into the side of Dan’s ribcage. “How are you feeling?”

“Happy. Warm. Enamoured. Smitten. Content. In love. Blessed,” Dan began to reel off with a giggle in between each word, which prompted Phil to shove him in a playful manner and giggle along with him.

“Shut up, but I agree, same actually.”

“I’m glad you agree, Phil,” Dan giggled a little more as he squeezed even closer to Phil, wrapping his leg to the top of Phil’s thighs.

Phil wrapped his arms tightly around Dan’s back and placed a light kiss on the top of his head. He had never been more content and happy with life and actually he agreed with every single emotion Dan reeled off. He was happy. He was warm. He was content. He definitely was in love. He was blessed.

“What do you wanna do today, then?”

“I want to stay here, right here,” Dan said as he squeezed onto the nearest part of Phil that his hand could reach. “But I have an idea of what we can do today that doesn’t involve leaving the bed today.”

Phil hummed in response as if to say _tell me your suggestion_.

“We could tell people,” Dan suggested as he ran circles along the exposed skin on Phil’s torso.

“Tell people?”

“Yes Phil you muppet, tell people about us. I don’t mean our viewers but like our parents and friends maybe?”

“We could do that,” Phil replied heartedly.

“We could take a selfie and post it to Instagram?”

Instagram seemed like a terrifying way to announce your new blossoming relationship to your friends and family _but_ it’s the easiest way without having to individually message everyone. And besides, they _know_ everyone will message them freaking out anyway, especially Louise Dan thinks, so it is just easier this way.

The benefits of having a private Instagram that all of your personal life isn’t accessible to your fanbase. Not that they’ll ever hide much from their viewers but they definitely feel like this right now is something they should keep private, at least for now.

Phil grabbed his phone from the bedside table next to him and swiped left to open up the camera app. Angling it hovering above them to get them both in the shot, Phil pulled Dan closer if that were even possible and takes a couple of photos.

They take a normal smiley selfie, which could be passed as two guys hanging out if they weren’t very clearly lying down in bed together. They take some silly ones with tongues poking out of their mouths and annoying the other person, which made them both giggle. They take a couple whilst exchanging a few quick pecks on the cheek and another kissing each other's lips.

They probably weren’t going to share them all, especially the latter few, because they were for their eyes only. Maybe post them on special occasions, if they saw fit.

“I think we should post these ones,” Phil muttered as he swiped through his camera roll at the recent photos they just took, pointing his phone towards Dan so Dan could see the photos too.

“I really like that one where you’re sticking your tongue out at me, It’s cute,” Dan giggled as he pointed to the photo in the camera roll that he was talking about.

“Okay, I’m gonna post it.”

“Shall we post it together?”

“Yes.”

So they did. They write a caption, both equally as witty as each other, and hit send, waiting for their phones to begin flooding.

And they do.

 

**Text Message from Louise:**

  
_Please tell me you’re not trolling !!!!!!!! BOYS xx_

 

**Text Message from Mom:**

  
_Child, that Instagram post. I can't believe it finally is happening for you!! Ring me when you can x_

 

** Text Message from Cornelia: **

  
_HOLY SHIT PHIL_  
_MESSAGE ME BACK STRAIGHT AWAY I NEED THE DEETS_

 

**Text Message from Martyn:**

  
_WHAT CORNELIA SAID_

 

**Text Message from PJ:**

  
_What the fuck????? I’m so happy for yall it is about time_

 

**Text Message from Adrian:**

_so you finally admitted it then?_

 

**Text Message from Mom:**

  
_Daniel !!!!!!!!! ring me x_

 

“Wow,” Dan chuckled as he looked at his phone lighting up with Instagram notifications and text messages and when he looked over to Phil, who was getting the same treatment, he couldn’t help but laugh.

“I take it people are interested in what the hell we just posted?” Phil replied.

“I think so.”

“We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?” Dan added in a mutter as he looked away from this phone that was blowing up in front of him to look at Phil, who was smiling back at him.

“Of course we are, more than okay,” Phil replied as he placed a delicate smooch on the lips of his boyfriend, the love of his life.

Because they were going to be okay. Definitely more than okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u so much for reading my first ever chaptered fic <3 i hope u enjoyed it. im in the process of starting/planning a new slow burn/chaptered fic so stay on the look out for that if u want ??  
> <3 <3


End file.
